Somebody, somewhere, decreed my week would be a rotten experience. I know this because my week was a dreary rotten experience. Nothing major, you understand, just more life on the rubbish tip.

It began with a suprise visit to the chinese takeaway at the bottom of the hill. Sometimes you just have push the boundary a litle to make life worthwhile. It will mean I spend the next month eating chicken roll sandwiches, but these are the sacrifices we must make in the face of economic woes. Why is it takeaways never put all the right menu choices in the bag? I never choose egg fried rice. Too boring.

Normally things like that are no more than lifes little learning experiences and we move on. So I popped down to the local supermarket where the lady on the till refused to assist me. Not sure why. Maybe I didn't meet her criteria for membership of the human race? On the other hand, maybe she's just a crabby old witch in a bad mood? All I wanted was another plastic bag.

The random discovery that I still had a few coins left meant that my takeaway food experience was not a lost paradise. Armed with my little cache of treasure I almost rushed out the door. Anything to break my diet of chicken roll sandwiches. Sadly my cheap chicken burger disintegrated. Noooo!!!!

Finally, to cap it all, the energy company sent me a letter telling me that they think that it's economically desirable to raise my payments now that I've almost reduced my gas usage to zero. Seriously, that really has happened. Pay more for less. It's the western democratic free market way.

As you might expect I immediately made that irate phone call. How things have changed! A decade ago the gas companies just laughed and made lame excuses. Now they're only too keen to stop you buying gas from someone else. Aww man, this is going to hurt...

Thank you David Cameron.

I said it, okay? Let's move on.

Investigations And Conclusions

My woes are nothing. The greek prime minister has finally decided that he's not impressing anyone, Michael Jackson's doctor has been found guilty of his death, no-one's bothered to check where our immigrants have gotten to, and a terrible accident on the M5 motorway is being blamed on smoke from firework night party. Worst of all, civilisation is threatened by the discovery that a kilogram weight isn't behaving itself.

Scientists have discovered that the kilogram standard, a piece of metal kept in sealed and secure conditions, has changed mass, though oddly no-one seems able to decide whether it got lighter or heavier. I mean, if these scientists can detect a change of several microgrammes, why can't they figure out which way the change has gone?

I also hear that an asteroid is swooping past Earth closer than the Moon's orbit. Although the interplanetary rock is as big as an aircraft carrier, you'll need a telescope to see it. Scientists tell us that the asteroid will pass by harmlessly. Is that to the left or right? Or don't they know?