Today I made another visit to my local surgery. All part of keeping the Grim Reaper at arms length. Nothing much to report, just a routine visit, and despite not feeling completely fit as a fiddle, I'm not suffering in any real sense.

By coincidence I spotted a news article teling us fifty-somethings how to stay in the front line against the Grim Reaper. Sort of like a survival manual for grey haired old codgers. Who knows? Maybe there's a few tips I could use?

Tip number one. Keep Checking. Oh yes. Bumps, bruises, coughs, splutters, and all those invisible microbes trying to ruin my day must be prevented from entering my private space. Where can I rent a penthouse suite cheap? Must remember to design a pointlesslly huge aeroplane sometime soon.

Tip number two. Keep Your Feet Fit. Apparently the rot starts with the feet. Once they go, you get knee problems, then back problems, and before you know it, you're exactly the sort of person you used to fume at when you were young. Mind you, the article doesn't tell you how to do all this. Lifting weights with my big toe isn't as easy as you think - you have to balance them at the same time.

Tip number three. Stay Immune. So checking you're not unhealthy isn't enough? It seems I must also fight ilnness and infection if I want to stay healthy. Might need to contact that policeman and tell him I need that shotgun after all.

Tip number four. Get Moving. If I remain motionless for too long everyione will think I'm dead. Don't laugh, it uisn't the first time a person has woken in a morgue. Must... type... next... word.... Phew. This survival lark is hard work.

Tip number five. Eat Well. Oh I shall. I like my food. Especially the tastier stuff I can't afford.

Tip number six. Get Some Lovin'. Yes well you see - this is the sort of advice that really does ignore the realities of being an old codger. It's all very well persuading that young lady to allow you to embarras yourself, but I'm also old and wise enough to know what sort of grief I'm going to get. Still, there's no fool like an old fool, so I guess I'll just have to compensate for my waning love life and become a famous celebrity instead. Who knows? Maybe I could combine the two like Bruce Forsyth.

Tip number six. Do Something New. Like what? I'm fifty. I've done pretty much everything I set out to do when I was younger and if I were brutally honest, bungee jumping is never going to be my favourite pastime. Maybe I could make it more interesting? How about... Bungee jumping with a young lady strapped on. Now that would be something new, and also kills two birds with one stone. My worry is that she'll want to go faster.

Tip number seven. Brain Fit. In other words, don't stop learning. Don't stop thinking. Take your brain for a trip down to thew newsagent every morning. Make it sweat with crosswords, quotations from shakespeare, and calculating the correct date for the end of the world. The trouble with doing this sort of thing is eventually you figure out what an idiot you've been.

Quote Of The Week

The best way to become famous is to invent a new dub two step.

(Youing L, 2011)

Well there you have it, budding starlets. No more casting couch, no more silly television shows, no more endless signing sessions. Just pop down to the patent office. Fame and fortune will be yours.