We punch above our weight down here at the bottom of the world. We are the rugby champions of the world; the rugby league champions of the world; we make it to the World Cup of Association Football with a pool of 22 players to choose from (and then draw against the current world champs) to name but a few of our many sporting accomplishments.
A couple of days ago the New Zealand cricket team (The Black Caps) beat the Australian cricket team. In the bigger scheme of things, this is not earth shattering news. But in the context of the peculiarly cut throat, competitive relationship that we Kiwis have with our Kangaroo cousins across the ditch, THIS IS MASSIVE.
Why, I hear you ask with baited breath?
I'll tell you. Us (NZ) beating them (AUS) in cricket is like a penguin beating a killer whale in a fight to the death, and then flipping it around the ocean playfully for a bit before devouring it piecemeal. IT JUST SHOULD NOT HAPPEN.
But it DID. We ripped them a new bum, and they weren't (aren't) happy.
I won't bore you with the details of the game; I'm a cricket fan and even I concede that watching your cat defecate is more exciting than reading about the nitty gritty of a cricket match.
Suffice to say that New Zealand should NEVER beat Australia. We are the equivalent of a cricketing amoeba, they are a cricketing red giant sun. It's their national game and the only one of the many sports in which they excel that unites the whole Australian sporting public behind it. Like Rugby in New Zealand, cricket is an integral part of the Australian national identity. They go into mourning whenever they lose. They go into absolute writhing apoplexy whenever they lose to US!!
The last time that we had a victory over them in their own country was around 1984. That was 27 years ago - a very long time between drinks. I was still wearing short shorts and sandals to primary school, and my mum was making my lunches. In the time that has elapsed since then, they have whipped us like curs with depressing regularity. Until now.
Kiwi cricket fans, like myself, have to crow loud and long whenever we experience the giddy heights of a win against the Ockers on their own turf because it could very well be 27 more years before we get another. You have to be ungracious and rub it in as much as you can, much like an Australian would.
So here I am, doing just that. Haha Australia, you suck.
If there are any Australians reading this, feel free to make excuses or abuse me roundly. It can't change the fact that you lost....to US!!!!