Some of you might have seen Thunderbirds, that wonderful 60's puppet series by Gerry Andersen. Every episode some daring engineering achievement goes horribly wrong, and our square jawed lads from a pacific island rush into action with their futuristic machinery to rescue everyone from the explosions guaranteed in the final moments. Well then. Sit back, switch the TV on, and watch as the Warehouse bring in our new office.
As forklifts go, this one is pretty big. It dwarfs the cabin resting o
Sometime around dawn this morning I woke knowing my day was going to busy. Normally at this time I groan, roll over, and go back to sleep. Today I don't have that luxury, so it's out of bed - Gah! Cold! - and a quick dash to the bathroom for the daily ritual of turning myself into a human being again.
First
Now for a stroll down to the Job Centre for my daily signing. They told me to come in at a certain time, but neglected to tell me the place was closed for an hour due to staff meetings.
There's a tree in Savernake Forest that I know of. An unremarkable tree at first glance until you discover how old it is. That old fella was sprouting out of ground, fresh from the seed, roughly the same time William the Conqueror was striding ashore at Hastings.
That day in 1066 changed everything. From that point forwards, England and France would be uncomfortable neighbours, no doubt made worse by the Germanic roots of the Anglo-Saxons. Of course now we're on good terms, despite my succes
In recent years Swindon has gotten into festivals. A couple of years ago we had a festival of Innovation, which I suspect was not entirely innovative, but since I never attended it I'll have to assume that Swindon was wowed by new and exciting stuff.
Last year we had the LEGO-fest. What? You missed it? Shame on you. The museum still has the Mario mosaic crafted lovingly in, yes, you guessed it, LEGO. Proof that Swindon is James May's natural enviroment.
Now looming on the horizon is the
In some ways I'm lucky. I'm just old enough to remember seeing steam locomotives working mainline services on British Rail. Steam engines have this animistic quality which endures despite the nerdy image of those who like them. As for me, I've always had a soft spot for this powerful works of art that belch smoke and hiss and chuff... Well, you know what I mean. The distant sounds of whistles still draw my attention. I remember this forgotten world. All those sounds behind rows of trees, the exq
Maybe it was inevitable. Once again the internal dissent in Syria inspires a report that government forces are still cracking down on anyone they can find worth cracking. Sometimes you have to wonder how objective news reporting actually is because after watching film of tanks rolling down deserted streetsI kind of wonder if half these actions are designed to create news rather than achieve any worthwhile objective.
Another question that comes to mind is how long the west are ging to sit on
Another blow to my individuality stares me in the face this morning. In my emails is a reply to a job application which says my attempt to persuade a certain job agency that I would like to be put forward for this particular role is now considered spam.
If that doesn't confirm what an obstacle to finding a job the employement agnecies are, what is? So many vacancies are now exclusively in the hands of these agencies who frankly worry more about their contracts than their customers. I hate ag
Poor old badgers. They do seem to be getting in the neck right now, with a government authorised cull in progress. As it happens badgers have always had a difficult existence what with rural baiters and the like. A couple of years ago I headed out into the countryside for a hike and by the roadside was a dead badger impaled on a stick, clearly left for someone to see. I wonder who?
I must be honest, at the time that gory sight left me unmoved. Hard to understand why. Witnessing the natural w
Somewhere, out there, in the wilderness of the Swindon job market, is an El Dorado of a career just waiting for me. The Lost Warehouse. I'm still searching the rainforests of Darkest Wiltshire for it, machete in hand, coiled whip hanging from my belt. Occaisionally though I come across strange tribes and alien cultures in this urban jungle, and the following job description has come to me attention...
Large Utility Company looking for a Technical Architect with a strong background in Data Wa
I've decided cars are female. They just are. most are frumps unfortunately. Some are reliable, others not. Some have interesting personalities, many simply don't talk to you or keep on nagging because you left the bootlid up.
Then there's cars like Ferrari. Curvaceous redheads with tight leather, vivacious, demanding. You just know she's going to be trouble but you can't help yourself.
I say this because going through some old papers I discovered my report from a racing school where I dr
Sooner or later they infiltrate your home. No matter how secure you believe your privacy to be, they find ways to intrude upon your premises. Even when you discover their presence, there's a good chance they will find a way to escape you, and worse still, no matter how hard you try to push them out, they will find a way back against all adversary.
Yes, the spider is at large in my home. I know he's up there, I've seen him, scurrying across the no-mans land of the carpet in a mad dash to find
And now on Channel UNRV, we go deep into the rainforest as Caldrail Attenborough presents Planet Alleyway...
(Cue theme music and titles)
Hello. I'm Caldrail Attenborough, and this is a typical back alleyway in the depths of the rainforests of Darkest Wiltshire. In the next hour we'll looking at the rich variety of wildlife that exists in this remote corner of England, and hopefully, we'll discover some of the more exotic and reclusive creatures that live in Planet Alleyway.
We enter
For some strange reason the museum sells plastic balls that play voices from Family Guy. Only one on the premises actually works. We know, because we conducted a quality test this morning. I guess you had to be there.
Missed Call
My mentor at the programme centre is getting a little anxious. She's keen to get me a job before I finish the course and the frequency of her emails has gone up an order of magnitude. What makes it worse is that she doesn't seem to understand I have no internet con
We don't own the Shed we work in. No, we rent it, at a stupid price, from NF the site manager. NF wants us out of the Shed so he could squeeze us in with all our pallets in the Hangar, and rent the Shed to someone else at an even stupider price. Which sort of backfired a little because we're shortly to move down the road to rent warehouse space from a professional company at a stupider price still.
Now I turn up for work one morning. I have to walk through the Hangar to reach the yard, but f
Manhood is a difficult quality to define, for no other reason than it means something different to everyone, and even then the definition can vary according to the situation you're in. In general, its defined by the various social groups by their own standards.
I remember my school days. The 'lads', the dominant members of our youthful community, would always inhabit the toilet so as to smoke cigarettes in seclusion away from the disapproving gaze of irate teachers. They regarded smoking as
That about wraps it up for the warmest October on record. Still humid, still sweaty, and a damp drizzly day. "That's a right ol' rain that is." Commented some old guy as I left the library this morning. He was right. It was like being sprayed by a fine hose. Clearly a gentleman with much experience in the ways of Wiltshire weather.
Yesterday was of course a good deal sunnier and I wandered around Croft Wood, taking in the solitude between dog walking shifts. It's never going to be as quiet a
Okay. I've managed to get myself back off the floor. Wiped the last tears from my face, and given a last chuckle or two. But why, you may ask?
A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I would fall off my chair laughing if I ever heard a boss moaning that he couldn't find the staff. When I checked the local paper for job vacancies an editorial piece headlined with "Skilled Workers Are Hard To Find".
No, they're not. You simply have to create them instead of fishing in a market that everyone
Many years ago I went off one weekend to visit a kit car show. It meant a long journey there and back the same day but I was young, enthusiastic, and totally nuts about cars, or indeed most things that moved courtesy of an internal combustion engine.
Needless to say the main hall was packed full of all sorts of DIY cars. Fun cars, serious cars, wierd cars, and a few that turned out to be infamous money pits. I wandered among replicas of ferrari's and lamborghini's that seemed almost as expe
Our local councillor, SP, is a man with a mission, and he's talking rubbish. Yes, I said rubbish. His five point plan on waste issues in our area is now posted through everybodies door - he means business. Well good luck SP. I know you mean well, but lets be honest, if you want to cure fly tipping what difference are adverts, thicker bags, and busibodies telling you to recycle a bottle going to do? Not a lot. Old mattresses, discarded clothes, and an endless supply of black plastic bags will sti
Occaisionally I get stray phone messages. I suppose we all do from tiime to time, and there was a time you always got double glazing companies trying to sell you more replacement windows.
Sometimes you get strange characters phoning for strange reasons. I remember one chap called me and I made the mistake of assuming it one of my mates (he used the same name). He then proceeded to ask where his hammer was. Hammer? What hammer? He then got irate because I'd 'lost' his hammer. Sorry mate, wro
Nature programs often fail to satisfy. David Attenborough is of course an old hand at it (no pun intended) and knows the score, which is one reason why his programs are worth a glance or two even if he does get a litle messianic occaisionally.
Last night though he was nowhere to be seen. Instead we had a guy from India relating the tale of a tigress released into a nature reserve to repopulate an area cleared by poachers. Like many people I find big cats absolutely irresistible. Powerful, d
Back when I was very young, I remember a particularly vivid dream. I was wandering along a beach, in bright sunshine. My companion was a girl though I don't know what the relationship was supposed to be. Anyway, there was a rushing noise and the sea went out, like a low tide but much more dramatic and far reaching. It seemed as if the sea had vanished in the blink of an eye.
My companion, entranced and excited by this amazing sight, ran here and there, jumping in puddles of seawater among th
If you've wondered why I don't say much about fun things at work, its because work isn't fun right now. AD, the guy I've been trained to replace, has decided not to retire after all. Orders are small and right now I spend about ten minutes every morning labelling goods for transport. Job done. I know there are people who would give their right arm for a laid back existence like that, but isn't an inactive workplace the worst possible place to be stuck in? The clocks move backward, everyone else
I woke up this morning in a sort of tired downbeat mood. Sort of like that monday feeling but delayed by two days for extra suffering. Wednesdays in Swindon are always greyer than normal. Don't know why, they just are. It's traditional.
You see, the thirteen weeks of my placement are coming to an end. I hate to admit it but I've actually enjoyed being there. Well, maybe not quite all the time, just enough of it to bring a tear to my cheek as I look back and remember my time as J's disciple.
With an air of practised superiority, the claims officer remarked to his colleague that I was not an arbiter of style. Neither is he, for that matter. Resplendent in a shirt I can only assume he made from cheap wallpaper, he leafed through the documents in his hands with official disinterest.
Hang on a minute, I need to pick myself off the floor and bandage my ribs....
There, that's better. Now that I'm composed again, I have to say his attempt to belittle me was pointless. Hey, half the
