As I write this I'm listening to the guy sat in the next cubicle as he tries manfully to arouse interest in a young woman of his acquaintance. He keeps insisting he needs to buy a hammer in order to bang some curtains in. Whatever that means. He insists that intelligent people should use double beds to sleep in. By now you're probably getting the idea of what he wants.
His girlfriend asks why he needs a hammer anyway, because he can't afford one. Apparently he can, the 99p shop does them. No
Swindon as a town always had ambition. Once the railworks closed in the eighties, the town brought in investment and new business and was always pushing to be raised to 'city' status. Back in 1994, I flew over Swindon in a Cessna and was stunned at how much dereliction the town still had, much of it ex-railway land. Since then these brownfield sites have been developed.
More developments had been planned. Artists impressions of Swindons Brave New World have been published locally and present
Walking home from the College I was confronted by a dog. The black labrador trotted along the pavement happily wagging its tail, at one with the universe as dogs sometimes are. The owner, an older woman, was blissfully unaware of my approach and stared out across the valley. The dog stared at me. I get the impression it was a somewhat dominant animal as it veered toward me, curious as to why I wasn't stepping aside for it. One quick sniff and it lost interest. Obviously it didn't consider me a t
How many people actually read their horoscopes? You see them everywhere, books, newspapers, and websites. All of them giving a paragraph of advice for the day. As of this morning I'm beginning to wish I'd read mine. At least that way I would have known what was about to happen.
"Face it, you're desperate!" Yelled a woman in a spasm of irritation ealier today. There I was, dozing comfortably on a sunday morning, and out of the blue I'm woken by some woman somewhere. I have no idea who she was
On my way to the library this afternoon I happened to pass along an old footpath in Okus. It dates from before the town of Swindon grew across this particular stretch of farmland in the 60's. In fact, I used to walk that way going to school. There was always that two tone blue sports car parked in someones drive that I used to fantasise over. Back then, I hadn't any idea what it was, but in the passing of years I've come to know it was a TVR Tasmin, and why it was always parked in the drive.
Thousands of love lorn people every year are sending heart felt letters to 'Juliet' in Verona, Italy. A part of me sees this as ridiculus, given that Juliet is a fictional shakespearean character dreamt up hundreds of years ago, but on the other hand, an illustration of how popular fantasy and modern privacy have made people feel so lonely.The 'Juliet Secretaries' who are paid to read these letters answer them too. I can imagine them being sympathetic to these messages of despair, but at what po
In the beginning, God said "Let there be light". And he saw that it was good. So good in fact that we human beings have invented little contrivances to achieve the same result ever since. First we invented fire (and what fun we've had with that!), and finally in the 21st century we've reached the very pinnacle of light engineering, that silly little thing screwed into the ceiling of my bathroom. Unfortunately, and much to my chagrin, I'm not God, so now the blessed thing has stopped working.
Now that was a pleasant lunchtime. Lounging on a bench in Town Gardens, the shrill cacophony from the nearby junior school, the bird calls, even the plaintive requests from dog owners to their stubborn pets to stop sniffing at every excuse, did nothing to stop me dropping off to sleep.
I woke with a start. Whether I'd startled the grey squirrel or whether it had startled me, I'm not sure, but away it went, tame or not. Behind me some guy and his companion strolled lazily down the steps and
Some of you might have forgotten something. Can you remember what that was? No? Not to worry, I forgot too. Yes, it was Bad Memory Day. Now that the point is made, I can confirm I made two significant contributions to that important event in our calendar.
The first memory lapse occured while I was at the library, quietly typing the previous blog entry and trawling through the various job websites for something to apply for. About an hour late, I suddenly realised I was supposed to have pres
Sometime around dawn this morning I woke knowing my day was going to busy. Normally at this time I groan, roll over, and go back to sleep. Today I don't have that luxury, so it's out of bed - Gah! Cold! - and a quick dash to the bathroom for the daily ritual of turning myself into a human being again.
First
Now for a stroll down to the Job Centre for my daily signing. They told me to come in at a certain time, but neglected to tell me the place was closed for an hour due to staff meetings.
Early this morning, before first light, I trudged along the route to the test centre. It's located in small industrial estate (the map pointed at an alleyway a hundred yards further on) and as I turned the corner I spotted one of my trainee colleagues leaning against the wall, as the premises weren't open just yet.
As I got closer, I noticed he wasn't moving. Curious... Hello mate? How are you this morning?... No answer. He just leaned there immobile, well and truly asleep. Poor lad. I let
It happens today. it's inescapable. And it will cause suffering and hardship.
That's the message I've been seeing and hearing in our media. It's a womnder there's no-one wandering back and forth the local high street with a placard saying "The end is nigh". I am of course referring to the imminent assault upon british shores of another arctic blast.
It's now late morning and if I were honest, there's little sign of our impending doom. The sky is sombre with dark grey clouds under a ligh
For some strange reason the museum sells plastic balls that play voices from Family Guy. Only one on the premises actually works. We know, because we conducted a quality test this morning. I guess you had to be there.
Missed Call
My mentor at the programme centre is getting a little anxious. She's keen to get me a job before I finish the course and the frequency of her emails has gone up an order of magnitude. What makes it worse is that she doesn't seem to understand I have no internet con
I knew it was going to happen. My neighbour, Punch, is nothing if not predictable. On the Sunday I had left the house for an early morning hike to take advantage of the glorious good weather. With squeaky floorboards and no sound insulation between our properties, it's impossible to be silent, though in fairness I have no intention of making an unnecessary racket. I am after all required by the letting contract not to do things that upset the neighbours.
But my early morning departure was im
"Just like being on holiday" observed a shaven haired monster of a man sat with his family on the streetside tablle under a cafe awning. "Swindon On Sea".
He's right. There's a huge crowd of people milling around aimlessly for no other reason than aimlessly milling around. Come on people, do something! There's shops all around you. Stop obstructing the pavements with aimless miling and buy stuff. Save the economy and create new job opportunities for me to apply for.
The Bike Sheds
I was
As weekends go, this was not a good one. For once monday morning has come as something of a relief (How often do you hear that?). The source of my agony isn't anything to do with the usual gripes. There was no hassle with benefits, noisy neighbours, or things that go bump in the night. It was instead my own fault.
Always cook your food properly. How often have I heard that? Normally I do of course, but the exotic flavoured chicken dish I spotted in the supermarket was too good to miss and pe
I'm not by nature a couch potato, but let's face it, every so often the urge to sit slack-jawed in front of a television gets the better of us. By saturday night, I too was in couch potato mode. Even the energy drink I was sipping from made no difference. I just couldn't be bothered.
The trouble with television on a saturday night is that it seems to be designed for people who have embarrasingly low IQ scores or lack the skills to socialise. It's almost as if media companies don't want peopl
"EEEEERGH!"
Believe me, at three in the morning, that high pitched screach is enough to scare the living daylights out of you. Yes, it's the urban foxes again, lurking in the darkness to hunt smaller nocturnal animals lurking in the darkness, or the bonus of edible rubbish we humans have discarded, or as I've come to believe, just to wander around and annoy people with high pitched screaching.
This time the fox was very close to the backs of the houses where I live. That's unusual. Norma
Sunday morning and the rain has eased. Some might claim that was proof God exists, but I know different, because he wouldn't have foisted BFL upon the world. There she was in the library foyer, sat waiting to find her next victim. She smiled to herself as I scowled.
Luckily Mr R opopped in. He's a regular at the library too, a cheerful chatty sort of guy who seems to spend all day there playing 'fruit machine' programs. Before he gets there though, he too runs the gauntlet of BFL.
Too l
That about wraps it up for the warmest October on record. Still humid, still sweaty, and a damp drizzly day. "That's a right ol' rain that is." Commented some old guy as I left the library this morning. He was right. It was like being sprayed by a fine hose. Clearly a gentleman with much experience in the ways of Wiltshire weather.
Yesterday was of course a good deal sunnier and I wandered around Croft Wood, taking in the solitude between dog walking shifts. It's never going to be as quiet a
Six is an important number, or at least it is for me. It is after all the age many people believe me to be. I've always had a preference for the number four. No particular reason, just a nicer friendlier number. But why, you might ask, is six so relevant to me?
It's because my life seems to be bounded by the number six. Those idiots out there who've convinced themselves that I'm a devil worshipper (shame on you) will of course by now be jumping up and down excitiedly and pointing red faced t
Top Gear USA? You gotta be kiddin', right? Out of curiosity I watched a few episodes. As part of a franchise there were aspects I found familiar. The stage set, the theme tune, the general format of the show, and having some celebrity race a cheap car around a track. All well and good. But of course this was an american show and so I was struck by cultural differences.
Firstly the presenters, who despite their obvious enthusiasm for wrecking telegraph poles, abandoned houses, pulling trains,
Weather... Funny thing weather... We seem to have more of it than any other nation in the world and yet we seem uttely incapable of coping with it. All part of being British I supose.
Over the last few days we've had fog to contend with. You would think that might cause a few problems with getting around.and you know what? You're right. It has.
As for me I had a job interview to go to. The agency that put me onto it was so worried that the fog might put me off that they called me on the
Last night I wearily wound my way home from work. That's right, I'm working. Or at least I'm trying to. I've discovered that being over fifty years old isn't what I thought it would be. Blisters on my feet, a long bruise on my leg when a sixty eight kilo carton fell on it, stiff legs from constant walking, and worst of all, a well and truly bruised ego. Being a dustman in a warehouse isn't exactly what I 'd planned for.
Across the street were two doormen outside a gentlemans club. I've alway
I wonder what qualifications are required to become a bus driver? Not that I'm especially interested myself, it's just that I witnessed two drivers changing shift discussing Schrodinger's Cat, a piece of scientific philosophy used to illustrate quantum uncertainty. Good grief. What next? A law demanding drivers must have a Master's Degree in Quantum Mechanics just to drive a new-fangled electric vehicle? One wonders how the future government of Britain is going to make that happen. Half the kids
