Saturday night...after a day of not much, but so much, I feel a melancholy shadow starting starting to creep in. Well, maybe 'melancholy' isn't the right word...definitely it's subdued in nature, and even has elements of uncertainty and doubt in it. This cloud, however, does have a silver lining.
My main teaching gig has me going in different directions. Various groups are asking for my time and effort in order to accomplish a variety of goals. Sure, it's an honor to do so, as they genuinely seem to be interested in my talents. And since it's all in the name of 'college community service', I'm doing many a good deed, in the hopes that it pans out in the end.
Will it get me somewhere? I have no idea. But considering I have an interview in less than 2 weeks for a full-time, tenure-track position at another campus, and I have told precious few at work about it, well, who knows. By the way, the interview for this job has me teaching in both Spanish and Italian, the latter of which I have never taught and, admittedly, I'm rusty. But I can do this. I know I can. I'll be telling myself this for 10 more days, too. In the mean time, you'll be able to find me occasionally in the corner, freaking out momentarily, before I put the self-doubt aside and get to work.
It's a weird sense of split-loyalty that I'm feeling right now. On the one hand, I have zero guarantee that I will get a second interview at that campus, let alone that I'll be granted the position. So part of me says, hey, you have to still focus on your current employer. On the other hand, for all of the work that I have done for them, I'm now running into a massive wall of bureaucracy, one which is seemingly unprecedented on our campus, or at least in recent memory.
I'm on the precipice of change, and I know it. I'm not afraid of change, rather I want it, seek it out, and embrace it. And yet, because my professional fate, as it were, is in the hands of many other people, and I'm being told that my merits will carry me to wherever it is that I'm going, I'm incredibly nervous and edgy. Not that I want to control the situation entirely, but I'd like to know if I have a shot, or if I'm proverbially pissing into the wind. I know it's normal to feel this way, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it.
Wow...I'm sounding like a spoiled brat. Or a whiner. Damn, Sarah, quit yer bitchin!