Fellow Citizens!
Some of you, having not heard from me, thought I had become a member of the recently departed, and thus called to confirm that that was the case. Unfortunately, they were greatly disappointed. Some even had the temerity to ask for a return of their Golden Roman Asses - the ones they stiffed me on for the Journal. Some just could care less. No matter, I still love all y'all. Noblesse oblige, you know. Now, I shall relate what happened to me at the Saturnalia.
During t
Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the
Monday last, the Domina Claudia :wub: :wub: took off for some place in the boondocks, namely, knoxberg, 10AC. The Imperial Pro-Crastinator was supposed to be left well supplied. Well, the Old Moor Hen Shredded Sporran is almost at an end. The stompings don't look as if they will last the week. Down to the last half dozen beers. I have no idea what the things left in the fridge are.
This is the status quo:
Bride in the boondocks. :wub: :wub:
Nurse Mary in Basra. :wub:
Private Bohp
I know that you all would like to see a picture of my home in Corbridge. Picture was taken by Pertinax ere he and his Lady had dinner with us. Antiochus of Seleucia kindly put the pic in. I haven't had a chance to bring the name up to date.
Since I make fun of everyone, here's one on me:
PORCOFACIO UNSCRUPULATO
San Francisco contractor, Porcofacio Unscrupulato, 68, of Canale Capone, North Beach, died yesterday from injuries he received in the collapse of a building he was inspecting, prior to sale to Roosevelt Moses of Oakland.
Born in Molto Pubisco, Italy, Unscrupulato was brought to this country at age 11 by his parents, Regurgito and Nauseata Unscrupulato.
Active for many years in community affairs, Unscrup
Murphy's (missed a few) LAWS
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability : The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were
Subject: Police justice.
Another case of underestimating the ammo requirements.
As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWA
It was my pleasure to have met His Greekness, Don Giovanni (aka Pantagathus) :notworthy: , about a week ago. He and his Domina trod up from one of the the outlying provinces to America. I picked him up with the Imperial Chariot somewhere in an exurb of NYC. We somehow knew each other immediately. At first, I must tell you that he is the handsome ideal of a Southern Gentleman. We yakked about many things, (strangling Ramses; putting a hex on Pertinax :notworthy: ) on our way to Brookfordshirese
Gentles:
As I suffer Early Onset Alzheimer's, I can't recall if I told you that we are joined by a fourth brother. Stiffed me on the subscription, so he is a natural for this collection. His biography runs thus:
He parks his boots in some god forsaken place called miSHH-a-gin. This land mass sits on a giant toad stool. Its main city rests on a humongous salt mine. He may be a closet neo-con. Is a devotee of Air America and Al Franken in particular. He is not ethnically acceptible.
It gives me great pleasure to announce to you that I, Don Tomasso of Brooklyn, am world famous!
If you would be so kind as to click on the below site, which is the product of one of our most eminent Forum contributors, :notworthy: you will see the reason. In addition, you will be treated to a most excellent education.
http://www.thenectarofgods.com/index.asp
I can't say that I am particularly whelmed with this eminent pertinacious personage's :notworthy: site as
Sundry criminals have been at work on the English language for ages. It is high time these miscreants were brought to book.
Let us examine the letter "H".
Not pronounced in 'eight' where it lives; prounced in Sean where it is on vacation.
Not pronounced in 'ghost' (yes, yes, I know, it tells us how to pronounce the 'g'). OK, so, gho ghet ghum. Lets be consistent. The Irish don't bother pronouncing it in 'thanks', but they do in 'Sean'. Koo-koo, no?
Thought, bought, caught! Pronounce th
My Dearest Romans:
It has fallen to my saddened lamentable lot to have to inform you of the recent savaging of His Greekness, Don Giovanni :notworthy:, by a squardron of savage squirrels (Arboratus Rodentus Ratus).
Whilst he was gargling a brew, and taking in the visions of lightly clad maidens, the lately reported cowardly Red Coated vulture, cruelly interrupted his sanguine reverie and swooped down and fowlly snuffed another innocent chipmunk. This action could no longer stand. His
It has devolved to the PRESENCE to relate the sad intelligence that His Grace, The Lord of the Herbs, Pertinax, :notworthy: is presently situate in the donjon of the Highland Laird, Peter of Perth. It came about in this fashion:
Whilst presiding at a Perfect Patented Pertimaxus party in a popular porter pleasure parlour in the Port of Perth in Perthshire, a Pictish piper was playing some moaning and groaning on his pipes in the pronaos. When His Grace :notworthy: had had his fill of the no
It pleases me to be the presenter of pleasant tidings pertaining to the present perigrinations of the pertinacious and puissant Lord Pertinax of Putney :notworthy: . His Grace, :notworthy: in his perpetual pursuit of pastoral provender, is perambulating through the pastures of the provinces of the Picts; picking parsley, purslane, pansies and peppermint, and imbibing potent porter. These powerful precious pearls of paradise will provide his porridge with potent palatable provisions. Paroxysms o
Fellow Boozers:
Some Korean Mooney type, named Rock Lee, has invaded America. This new blister hath sattethe on the right side of God. He hathethe commanded angels. But can't seem to get that walking on water thingy right. Probably can't do the Cana bit either.
Will trade him for a couple of millions of wetbacks - or one Brigantine - or yea, and I sayethe unto all y'all, Col. Rupert Rebel!
Domina Claudia, in Her wisdom, has just named me Pontifex Messimus. I wonder why?
Some Russian
IMPERIAL ROMAN NEWS SERVICE
Florida's famous fearsome 455th Fighting Friggin Fusiliers, has been activated for duty on the Israel-Lebanon border. Provision will be made for wheel chairs, crutches, canes and seeing eye dogs. The new commander will be Brigadier Busche of Bar Harbor and Boston's Bedlam. With his brass and bugle, he will buck up the braves and be billeted behind a barricade of bushes.
Southhampton's slumbering 666th Swimming Zouaves have been posted to Portsmouth for port p
Me Buckos:
National Women's Football Assoc. Super Bowl will take place next month. Hope it is as good as the Aussie midget tossing.
Some witch put a curse on some woman so that she would fall in love with some chap. The contra party didn't appreciate it, so she brought the matter up before the magistrates. Probably in wierdo Kali4kneeya. :1eye:
A creepy crawly and a flying bug couldn't take the weather outside any longer. Got into the estate for the A/C. So I crushed the bloody inn
You are aware, of course, of the ill begotten rich Brit investmant bankers shuffled off to texass to answer to the magistrates for their peccadillos in re the Enron affair. Well, well founded rumors have it that the red necks are practicing with their ropes preparatory to a neck stretching party. Beer, skittles and bar-b-que will be served at the party. All s are invited.
This little bit popped up. It seems that the Department of Defense has been selling hi-tech military stuff to any and
Komrades:
Seems that a certain party quoted from his bible over an open mike. Who knows, maybe God told him to do so in one of their recurrent chats. It is my present understanding that folks who talk to God usually become saints or are hauled off to the booby-hatch and not into the now Black House. And getting one of the heads of state attention by belching the Brookfordshiresexington formal "Yo!"
It has also come about that the party of god and freedom and liberty wants to lift the pre
Now that that rebel, Pantagathus, has driven me to the vine and the stalk, I tell all. As you may or may not know, I have some good looking babe visiting me while the Domina is abroad. She is 21. Now, her sister, who is 16, is going to visit Ameica. She's a knock out also. They will be staying with me next weekend. The building will go beserk! The men will be jealous and the women won't be able to hold their water until the Domina comes home and they tell all. When they were nippers, I bounced
Komrades:
Geroge Washington never told a lie. :wub:
george bushe never told the truth.
In a way, doesn't Pres. chenny call to mind Aaron Burr? But Aaron was a better shot.
Domina Claudia off to Maygne for a fortnight of fun and games with my out-laws. Delivered her off to her sister in Nu Joyzee. Had to go through the Holland tunnel twice. As you can see, I made it. Gassed up the chariot in that province and the attendant was highly agitated because it only took 5+ gallons @ 18 b
Komrades:
Gaius' reason for existence weekend last was to deliver and retrieve Consort to and from her venue for peddling her horsey stuff. In the interim, the booze and fodder held out and a project was accomplished in peace. Now comes Monday when Gaius was to retrieve said Individual. When the time to commence the voyage arrived, C. did not get his dumper into gear at the appointed hour. No matter. When the mission was almost accomplished, and we approached the wig-wam, the streets were c
Komrades:
La Belle France beat Espana. The radio trash talkers will be besides themselves. What will the wrong rev. robberson chalk it up to? Metrosexuality?
Now I get it! After all these years! The N.Y. Times has been in the forefront of treason and sedition. Thank you pres. chinney! Didn't know that all y'all could read. The Times no less.You had better get under the beds of the miscreants who leaked the stuff. How is the Valerie Pflame affair going? Not to be too nosy, but how's your
Dear Friends:
Little Sen. ricky santorum, that mendacious murine mountebank, has announced that WMD's have been found in Eyewreck. A miracle is delivered unto us (once again)!
ann couter, that sallow, scoriaceous, sulphovinic, specious specimen, feels that if Rep.Murtha was fragged now, he will have earned one of his two Purple Hearts. I'd give her one for that condyloid face.
hiraldo the hirsute, has vomited that he has seen more 'action' than John Kerry did! Yeah! He got punched ar
