caldrail

America has successfully imported a great many things to British Isles. Cola, bubble gum, nylon tights, burgers, and sex. Of course I was too young for most of those as a child so there was only one american import I was allowed. You state-side people know it as G.I. Joe. We knew it as Action Man. It was great. There was a huge selection of uniforms and accessories that transformed the plastic contortionist into everything from the basic Korean War recruit to a NASA astronaut. One of my friends had the Action Man space capsule - I was so jealous. No-one was jealous of my Action-Man. A cricket-player set isn't that impressive, nor, if I were honest, much inspiration for childhood imagination. The biggest problem with Action Man, apart from his suspect anatomy, was that he was essentially a loner. You only had one, so the poor guy never had any mates or even enemies to save the world from. Now, however, kids can give their Action Man leadership. They can now pester their parents for an all-action Obama doll. Better yet, it comes with his wife, so he has someone to play with. Oh... Hang on a minute.... I wonder if it has a ring-pull in it's back to play speeches? Kids these days have no idea how lucky they are. Telescope of the Week The orbital Kepler Telescope has begun searching space for earth-like planets. Apparently this mission will take three and a half weeks and millions of pounds have been spent trying to find planets we can't get to. Don't get me wrong. I think scientific progress is great. It's just that we seem tto spend so much time seeking a paradise. Looking for Eden, Shangri-La, El Dorado, Atlantis, The Kingdom of Prester John. What happens if they find this new earth? Will religions begin slapping labels on it? Will scientists eagerly send sound recordings in the hope the aliens there send it straight to the top of the hit parade? Will estate agents start selling portions of their land? Hundreds of years ago, people would have boarded ships and made their way there to colonise the land and avoid governmental interference in their lives. These new planets are unfortunately somewhat far away, and as yet, we haven't the technology to emulate Star Trek. It also means that earth-bound merchants are frustrated, because they can't sell the Obama doll to unsuspecting aliens.

Seriously - we were living the Spinal Tap dream. Everything you see in the film mirrors the sort of nonsense we went through.

British weather is responsible for more conversations than hot dinners. Poems have been inspired by it. Well, I haven't exactly been that inspired over the last two days, now that our early spring sunshine has gone. Two days ago the rot set in. There was a cold wind and the sky was claggy, humid, almost misty, and the sun was losing it's battle to burn this murk away. It was a quiet, reflective day. I wandered around Lawns (a park that was once the grounds of the local manor house) and people were fishing, walking their dogs, or just sitting there meditating. Kind of an odd day. Only Milo, a dog that adopted me as a friend just lately much to the chagrin of it's ever-patient owner, showed any energy. Yesterday we had the storm. It's rare for just cloudbursts to arrive over Swindon at this time of year, normally you'd expect more drizzly rainfall. I looked up from my computer screen as the sky went dark, a sure sign of heavy cloud. I looked out the back of the house and a slate gray fog hung over Swindon whilst sunshine was visible to the south, almost obscured by the buildings further up the hill. The rain came down in heavy torrential droplets. A small river flowed down the gravel alleyway that runs beside the car park. Secure in my warm and dry premises, I watched the rainfall and not suprisingly, noticed the sudden lack of activity on Swindon streets. Today is the more typical dreary wet weather that we Brits love to ignore. Even when the drizzle subsides, people still walk quickly from place to place with umbrellas. Experience in British weather soon teaches you that it can change from one extreme to another. Rain? Don't talk to me about rain... Reminisence of the Week Some years ago, I turned up to the airfield hoping to get a flight in before the expected bad weather reached England. The day was lovely and sunny. Clumps of towering cumulus hung in the sky here and there, but it was definitely flyable. The weather report in the control tower suggested that the incoming front was a bad one, low cloud and heavy rain. I decided not to fly far from the field, just get another hour in the logbook and enjoy what sunshine there was. The little Cessna 150 isn't exactly an inspiring aeroplane to fly, but it was cheap to rent, so off I took, the aeroplane lifting eagerly into the sky like it always did. There wasn't much turbulence either, and I flew here and there northeast of the field as the sun warmed the cockpit. I did, howebver, keep a careful eye on the distant wall of cloud. A baleful white and grey herald of bad things. It was obviously getting closer, and I decided it was time to fly home and land in safety. Arriving at the airfield and joining the circuit overhead, it was clearly none too soon to bring the aeroplane home. The weather was very close now. I could see the rain under the encroaching clouds, thick blurry shafts of it looking strangely like teeth. I flew round the circuit and it was obvious the cloud was moving faster than I 'd reckoned on. It dawned on me I'd done something dumb. I hadn't planned for diverting elsewhere, and that meant my landing was going to have to be a good one. In theory, I should have called over the radio and got myself vectored to another field. In reality, I thought I had enough time to land before the rain closed in. It was on the final approach I saw that the runway was being swallowed up. The airfield was vanishing before my eyes. There was no way I was going to 'go around' into that! So, I made a decision to press on, to make that landing. I actually thought I still had time to slip in. Over the boundary of the field, something like ten feet above the tarmac, my world dissappeared into a light grey void. The rain came down onto the little Cessna like nothing else. For one moment there I thought I'd blown it. Caldrail, this is where you don't walk away... Then something peculiar happened. Although the world was nothing but a solid grey nothingness, the tarmac ahead of me was visible as a dark trapezoid. I was flying in a monochrome world, alone, just above this dark shape that was the only object outside my little aeroplane. It was, in actual fact, a perfect visual guide to land by. I touched down lightly - by strange irony it was one of my smoother landings - and I wondered how wet I was going to get after I found the parking area. Not even slightly. Seconds after touching down the Cessna rolled out of the rain into bright sunshine the other side of the squall. The expected bad weather was still distant, way ahead of me. I parked the aeroplane and made my way back to the club, aware of those air traffic controllers glaring at me from inside the tower at that idiot who'd nearly killed himself. Caldrail, this is what you don't get away with...

The ruler might be bad, but the legionaries would still be forced to cut up their comrades who probably had absolutely no say in the politics of the time. That probably was not a pleasant experience. Roman legionaries ('legionaires' is a modern french word) were loyal to their legion. They had their own religious cults, as the legion and the centuries within it had a 'spirit' that was venerated. Furthermmore, since the legionary commander was their patron, the soldiers were usually loyal to him, although I have to concede that modern standards of discipline don't apply to Roman legionaries, who were very quick to rebel and and mutiny if faced with poor leadership. This all means that when facing Roman legions in battle, they were simply facing another enemy. There's an account of two Roman formations fighting each other during a civil war. They simply went head to head with no quarter given. The others were fighting against their cause and therefore as an enemy received no emotional affiliation amongst the troops ordered into battle against them. They were the enemy, not comrades. The concept of a 'just war' didn't arrive until the late empire under Christian influence. Before that, a war was simply necessary. I've no doubt that commanders would make speeches justifying their cause and denigrating the enemies - that is after all required to motivate your trrops - but the fact that the opposing commander was a 'bad man' wasn't the primary justification. Remember that troops stood to gain if they followed their own leader into battle and won. It was therefore up to the commander to prove he was a worthier man than his enemy, someone worth fighting for, someone you could believe in. The three victories listed in the original question are all significant victories, but I would imagine that for the men who fought and won, a certain pride in the victory of any battle was something they would feel pride in.

A good tip everyone. Always send your elephant through the 'Nothing To Declare' channel.

I like the internal combustion engine. It might only be a collection of moving metal parts, but it has a life of its own. I just love the way a well-tuned engine sings when pulling hard. Some people might say the sound is merely a harsh droning noise - for me, it's a concerto for pistons. We all know that fossil fuels will eventually run out. Before that happens, petroleum will become too expensive. Before that happens, petrol cars will become uneconomic. Before that happens, an alternative must be found. Toyota has given us the Prius. I would prefer if they'd take it away again, and not foist rubbish like that on unsuspecting celebrities who only want to do their bit for climate change. Tesla reworked a Lotus to create an electric sports car, powered by thousands of laptop batteries. A good idea, but a sports car that needs a sixteen hour recharge after two laps isn't likely to thrill anyone. Now Chevrolet have unveiled the Volt. Billions of dollars have been spent on this ordinary family car. Having seen it, I'm not sure I'd want to spend anything on it. All I want to know is... Does it go faster? Does it corner better? Does it look like it does both better? Nope. Not yet. Government Assistance of the Week Now our government is planning to help people choose electric cars by offering a

Cats will be cats I guess. I think you just need to be patient. Your moggy will evolve into the perfect mosquito hunter in a few hundred thousand years or so.

The noise level has gone up considerably. Roadworks have started at the bottom of the hill and crossing the road is now something like traversing No Mans Land in 1917. Libraries are supposed to be quiet aren't they? Not Swindon. Our library is buzzing with lively action. At first, the library was silent as you'd expect, then a conversation broke out behind me. One of those "Allo mate, where ya been? Seen the footie? Hows the missus?" type of exchanges at the top of their voices. So loud in fact the gentleman opposite me strode over and enquired whether they knew they were loud or not. He then went back and had a conversation with his mate next to him. Luke Floorwalker is busy practising his moves. Jedi Knights start young these days I guess, and he's certainly taking on the universe. His mum tells him to stop. Thank you. So instead he tries to see how rapidly he can revolve on his seat. Once those two had gone another mother and child turned up. She doesn't know anything at all about computers and of course dragged her son along because he knows everything. I should know, I heard his lecture on Computers For Dummies. The other side of a pillar a father and daughter turn up. This time the situation is reversed. He's an IT expert (or at least makes a pretence at being one) and she sat there while father guided every single move of her mouse. Poor girl was bored out of her mind. She'll grow up with a phobia about logging on. AM is busy with his emails on the next PC. Now he's normall the worst offender of all, but even he's starting to lose his patience as two woman discuss some subject or other of huge domestic importance. Of course, while all this noise takes place, the level of conversation builds and before long, the library sounds like an early evening in a busy pub. Except they don't serve alcohol. Shame. Insect Infestation of the Week One peculiarity of my home is that I get flies out the front. Open the window for four seconds and you see a miniature dogfight as squadrons of flies circle each other over the carpets of England. Eventually these dumb creatures realise they're not in Kansas any more and migrate toward the kitchen so I have urge them to continue on into the bathroom, where I can open the rear window and persuade them to complete the last stage of their migration. Except... This one. This fly is determined to annoy me. It refuses to follow the squadron and persists in exploring the flat. Right, I've had enough. I reach for the bug-spray and go into armageddon mode. I thought this stuff was supposed to kill flies? It seems unpeturbed by the noxious chemical that's surely doing me no good at all. Eventually my superior brain size prevails and I trap the insect in the bathroom. He's in there... Plotting his victorious conquest of my home.... Good grief, he's head butting the door! Has this fly got something against me? Sorry, Mr Bluebottle, but an Englishmans home is his castle and I shake the bug-spray can for another offensive. He won't be buzzing for much longer...

The resulting system was the same that had existed in the Republic, albeit dominated by autocratic individuals from the Principate onward. What political changes actually took place? All the institutions in Rome remained active as they had before. What had happened however was that they were either manipulated or pushed aside by these powerful and influential men, who relied on the popularity of the masses to underpin their authority instead of the privileged oligarchies of old. This wasn't a master plan for a successful state, it was simply autocrats jostling for power and wealth, who in many cases failed completely. Rome went through more than one finacial crisis as well. Further, and make no mistake, don't dismiss the senate of the principate. Augustus may have ruled successfully following the end of the civil wars, he was also taking great care not to upset the powerful men in the same way Caesar had done. It's recorded that Augustus left the senate more than once with his tail between his legs. The prosperity of the Principate is also somewhat illusory. The Julio-Claudians were wealthy as a result of their status and acquisitions at the beginning - Augustus boasts in his will of his achievements (in Roman terms) - but Nero was strapped for cash during his reign. The money spent by wealthy Romans certainly made the economy bouyant for some time, but this money would also evaporate. The decline of the western Roman Empire went hand in hand with financial strength. Also, the governmental system developed over time. Claudius was the first to make use of freedmen in positions of responsibility and the Equites became a class of bureaucrats in later times. The change in style went from Augustus's 'First Citizen' to what amounted to oriental style kings.

The lorica segmentata had fallen into disuse and chainmail was back in fashion. Helmets had become more 'saxon' in appearance, or a little oriental like the spangenhelm type. Although the late empire had developed into multi-legion armies by this stage, uniformity was less prevalent. The legionaries of this time were funded by the state which wasn't getting any wealthier. Also bear in mind the large scale use of foreign formations used to make up numbers who would have fought with native weapons and clothing. I recommend the Osprey series for illustrations of this period. [url="http://www.ospreypublishing.com/store/Late-Roman-Infantryman-AD-236

Always keen to improve international relations. Make sure you put your safety belt on

Given how much money the somal's have earned from ransoms, I daresay you could translate their recent conversations into something similar. The problem with these Somali pirates are that they're not organised or in one place, thus in modern terms are difficult to target by conventional action. Since any bozo could sail out, board a vessel, point an easily obtained AK47 and say "Gimme a million dollars ha-ha-harrr", there's precious little disctinction between ordinary citizens and those willing to conduct these crimes. Occupying Somalia en masse in order to impose martial law and prevent such piracy is something I expect the US military dreads - it's a daunting prospect as the anarchistic somali's live in a very big area and weaponry is available for the asking. The only viable long term solution is to police the sea and thats got risks attacjhed to it too as the US military already know and something we shall soon see illustrated before long. It's a question of how extreme the allied peace-keepers want to get over this. The US want to protect their own (naturally) but they don't want another Mogadishu.

Exporting elephants eh? Bet your luggage looked suspicious ambling through the terminal.

Sounds like a great place. Bit far to walk though

Bank Holiday Weekends are a British institution that foreigners might find hard to understand. The name is misleading. All it amounts to is an extra day off work. However, like some kind of mass-lunacy, there's two pyschopathic obsessions that afflict the British at these times. The first is a strange urge that overcomes the weak-willed who gather their unsuspecting families and drive off to a holiday destination. Most don't get there. Braving the rain that inevitably pours cold water on their plans, they end up parking their cars for several hours on a motorway listening to their kids asking "Are we there yet?" The second kind of urge is that need to repair and improve the nest. Sometimes I wonder if DIY megastores are secretly hypnotising us into these attempts to recreate glossy magazine photo's of perfect homes. On the saturday morning I spotted one eager man and his clearly unimpressed missus dragging a huge generator out of the hardware store across the street. Boy oh boy, is she in for a fun filled weekend. The single blessing of my pedestrian status is, I suppose, that I'm immune to the lemming like need to join the traffic jams I shall enjoy the good weather. Also, my single status means I don't get nagged to tile the bathroom or invent a new plumbing system. So, I'll just sit here, enjoying the weekend in my usual quiet way, and.... Uh-oh. The draw on my computer desk is getting sticky. Really ought to fix that. Let's have a look... Brilliant. The back end has fallen off. Aha! All it needs is a little bit of glue. I've got some somewhere.... Here in my dusty toolbox... There it is! Ok. Carefully does it.... Apply the glue... The space is very restricted and it isn't easy to put it in place... There! Done it! Uh-oh. My pen's run out. I'll just look in the draw and get anopther... Whoops, there goes the back of the draw, down in the corner where I can't get it. Has that glue not set yet? Where's the gaffa tape? No, no, it'll work, trust me... Ah, maybe not. Perhaps if I move this over there and fix this here, and.... Those of a nervous disposition, look away now, as I attempt a repair that any sane person on a normal working day could mend in thirty seconds... of the Week In Norway a man has been arrested for having sex with his girlfriend whilst speeding on a motorway. Maybe he should have bought an interesting car?

It's all me at the moment. I should hear in the next month whether I'm a suitable candidate for world domination... ahhh... I mean, stewardship of Swindonian Institutions.

Is that really so suprising? The relative prosperity of principatal citizens is based on developments before Augustus as much as anything he did during his reign. Rome had expanded rapidly and had a huge surplus of labour, not to mention profitable provinces such as Egypt. There is also the question of the Augustan Franchise. He instituted the spread of new towns and cities for two reasons. Firstly, he had thirty-odd legions worth of war veterans who needed to be peaceably retired and dispersed. Secondly, he needed tax revenue. Raising taxes on exisating settlements wouldn't make him popular - not a good thing. By spreading the tax burden further he achieved the same result and encouraged them to compete against other for status, thus also encouraging growth. The tax revenue he used to stage games, pay for corn, and to 'turn Rome into marble'. He was effectively bribing the populace to remain popular, and diverting their concerns with 'Bread and Circuses'. Augustus is often described as a brilliant politician. I don't believe that. He was a successful one however, but what exactly did he do that improved the lot of the common citizenry? He was after all buying them off shamelessly. His reign was all about staying in power, not improving foreign relations, educating the masses, or encouraging innovation to improve lives. Augustus had the good fortune to reign after the end of the civil wars, so naturally, there was less spending on military concerns (he disbanded more than thirty legions) and military spending is always a drain on resources. The Varian Disaster of ad9 heralded a possible return to warfare and that frightened Augustus considerably. It also detered him from further colonisation of Germania and the Augustan Franchise wilted beyond the the Rhine. The fact was the Germans couldn't afford the taxes. It was one of the reasons they co-operated under Arminius to ambush Varus' column. So whilst the areas surrounding the empire were poorer and less attractive to conquering leaders, the increased spending and limis of growth meant as time went on the wealth of the Principate was beginning to dissipate. As more money was spent on entertainment and luxury, the available coffers were becoming more depleted with fewer opportunities to replenish them. It really isn't suprising then that the Principate seems so financially successful - it was a period of propserity but one based on a system that wasn't able to meet the demand made upon it. Was Augustus the architect of Roman prosperity? No. He took control of an empire in a good position to benefit from profitable acquisitions, and although he made efforts to improve tax revenue, his spending wasn't on sustainable growth at all, but rather short term largesse.

I don't know if anyone's noticed, but it's Easter Weekend. Yes, the Annual Chocolate Fest is upon us again. I should know, there's been a party in the small yard behind the garage. Lights, loud music, and a steady stream of curious people wondering who's making all the noise now the pubs have closed. It started in the afternoon, and by the early hours of the morning, was still going strong. Amazing what an excess of chocolate will do to some people. Public health advice - Please be aware that chocolate is poisonous. Twenty two pounds of it is a lethal dose. Please gorge sensibly. Meanwhile, Back At The World Stage... Fear not, Planet Earth. Brown-Man is here to save us. And Captain Obama is here to save Brown-Man. Just in case you were worried about the economic climate and the supply of easter eggs. Growth Industry of the Week An addiction to chocolate confectionary has gripped Somalia. So much so that they're resorting to piracy to pay for the easter eggs. I do notice though that Somali fishermen are now complaining about the pirates because it makes their livelihoods much less secure. The money changing hands at the moment is huge and only a few are benefitting from it. Up until now it's all been a bit gentlemanly but after the capture and ransom of an American captain, I can't help wondering if the next growth industry is going to be military action. After all, the Americans have some very bitter memories of Somalia. Roundabout of the Week Anyone who knows anything about Swindon, at least those who admit to such forbidden knowledge, will have heard about the Magic Roundabout. A survey has declared our well loved road junction as the second worst in the country. One suspects the drivers questioned were the second worst motorists in Britain, but then the roadside repair company that made the survey also chose not to employ me. Just shows what they know.

Legitimate? I would argue that's not a universal charter for the human condition. Far from it, you can only get what a society allows you or what you can get away with. Look at it like this - Despite the success of Augustus as Princeps, despite the provison of public entertainment, despite the beautification of Rome - how many more people were actually better off by the time Tiberius took over? Sure, there will have been some people who did well out the period (there always is) but the comman man? There was a large part of society that was still as poor. As for status, humans do demand it from governmensts and have done since the dawn of time - but they've had to rebel against those governments often enough to get it. Domination of the many by the few is a natural consequence of our primeval instinct. The Alpha Male/Female as it were. To regard the distribution of wealth and status as some form of universal right is nothing more than a fashionable attitude of the modern west, rather similar to the attitude of the early and mid-Roman Republic. It could change for us in the future - it did change for the Romans. But he didn't. Augustus wasn't building a thousand year reich or any such concept. He was running the show and wanted to stay popular. So he paid for games and boasted of it in his will. I really don't think Augustus could do any more about future planning than choose his successor. In actual fact, you could argue that by dominating politics he was supressing democratic institutions in Rome, and that whilst they were still active and had some influence, he was stepping around them. Agreed. There's more to it than that. The Roman mindset was very competitive. With the standards of wealth and status for the Roman nobility vastly increased since the republican heyday, the temptation to grab the whole kit and caboodle for yourself was also that much more prevalent. Whereas in the past, the democratic principles of Rome had been very important, by the Principate the old standards had eroded. The Republic never came back because no-one seriously stood to gain from it. There were too many waiting for there chance of the top prize. Also, the political strength of the Legions changed everything. Since the soldiers of Rome could force a new emperor upon Rome, any return to the Republic was almost certain to end in a coup. Rome had moved on. The Republic was an old idea and its egalitarian principles looking old-fashioned and restrictive. The rise of the personality cult put an end to it.

Thats interesting in itself, but isn't that diet true of most Romans within easy reach of the coast, whether pagan or not?

Except his German guards, who remained loyal. If I remember right, wasn't the situation somewhat fraught immediately after his death? That would indicate there were still plenty of 'Caligulists' at large. Blood-thirstiness is a complex subject. To some extent, people are sheep. If powerful leaders tell them to be blood-thirsty and give them absoltuion or an excuse, be it religious, racial, or political in nature, then they follow suit and rationalise what they've done even if they have lingering doubts and guilt. As individuals, without a group to hide behind, most people cannot behave in that manner (and fewer still would contemplate it). In other words, as social animals human beings run with the crowd. Regarding leaders, we tend to study them in siolation or in relations to their immediate associates such as family or allies. However, in an organised situation you do often find able organisers that exist in the shadows. For the most part these faceless assistants are of no great account in history (or we'd know who they were) but their influence cannot be underestimated. Augustus for instance was a typically cautious leader (one reason for his popularity - the Romans liked cautious leaders) and despite the peace and prosperity of his reign, doesn't seem to show any great flair in civic management. Granted, he did some clever things. He kept Cleopatra at arms length (what a dodgy woman she was!), reinvented the Roman legions as 'soldiers', not 'brothers', "Found Rome in brick and left it in marble", and certaibnly staged a lot of games. And so forth. But his real success was to do as little as possible. Roman emperors who were remembered fondly often share that characteristic. By maintaining as much of the status quo as possible, fewer influential people got upset. Augustus in fact walked a tightrope in his early days (and due credit to him) and his title of Princeps demonstrates that. Yes, Agustus is in charge, but not an ego maniac like Caesar or those horrible kings we once had. In other words, he was a dictator who pretended he wasn't. You could in fact argue, as I have, that he did little more than bribe the Roman public to keep him in power, though there are are indications he kept an eye out for possible up-and-coming rivals and dealt with them in pretty much the same manner as any modern gangster might. Now the state had to continue running. We know that Emperors struggled mightily to run it in later years, the empire was just too big for one man to control, so the ability and integrity of most bureaucrats who worked on Augustus's behalf must therefore have been somewhat better than in later reigns. They were opening up a genre of government, they had the full support of the Princeps, and had every reason to demonstrate skill and endeavour. Later bureaucrats simply wanted a bit of status, a sinecure, and a source of income, and backscratched their way into an existing role. Some might argue that Augustus kept a close enough scrutiny to ensure his own men were doing a good job. I have to concede that possibility. In a sense, he may have been an able administrator - I would argue he was an able manager.

Well I kinda got the idea he took it whether it was on offer or not. That's the advantage of being a bloodthirsty snot in a violent age. You know, I said before that Octavian was as daring as the men behind him. I still have this image of him at the Siege of Perugia as the enemy gladiators came out the gate and shouted "Hey! Look over there! It's him! Octavian!" The Augusta is going to throw me to the lions for this....

"Hello!" She shouted from across the road. Huh? Is she talking to me? The woman doesn't look familiar but she seems to know who I am. "It's me!" She shouted. Yes I can see that, but I haven't a clue who she is. I look around in case there's someone else nearby. Oh no, she's walking across the pedestrian crossing toward me and she's got a big expectant grin on her fiace. You know, this is going to be embarrasing. I simply make a gesture of ignorance and tell her I haven't a clue who she is. Does she try to jog my memory? Nope. She just gets annoyed and mutters darkly. Walk away Caldrail. Uh ioh. She's following me. To be honest, the woman doesn't look dangerous but this is getting spooky. There's a set of traffic lights across the main road ahead. I've pressed the button to change the lights but as with all british pedestrian crossings, they're designed to wait until you've been waylaid by loonies. No, I'm not waiting. Across the road I stride - a bemused driver rolls past, trying to figure out why I was crossing the road when he has a green light, but thankfully the next car observes the Highway Code and remembers that cars must stop for pedestrians on crossings regardless. I've escaped! The woman waits for the lights to change and I walk smartly away. Don't talk to stangers, children. That woman seriously sent shivers down my spine. It sounds ridiculous I know, I should have laughed, but I didn't. leap of the Week Earlier I'd had a stroll around Coate Water. A pair of dogs, retrievers, had jumped down off the pathway and were sniffing around the waters edge below on the cobbled slope. Both dogs weren't young, a little overweight, and looked ridiculously short-legged. Nonetheless, when their owner decided it was time to go, both dogs leapt up the wall like nothing I've ever seen. Very impressive. You see, I know how difficult some dogs find vertical jumps. years ago, I was walking our dog down the old Swindon Station site in Old Town. Back then it was a disused plot with the platforms still in place. The dog was happy, running around, sniffing and cocking legs, like dogs do. They leave calling cards for strangers that way. Then he noticed I was on the brick platform and decided to join me. He leapt up but didn't make it. His front paws clinging to the edge, his back legs desperately clawing for grip. It's rare to see to such things in a dog's face, but I sware his eyes opened in alarm as he realised he was about to fall off. Bump. Down he went, on his backside, and rolled over in an undignified heap before walking away with his feathers ruffled. I shouldn't laugh... but I did.

Caligula seems to have something of an unhappy childhood. That left him hedonistic in later life. I also suspect his parents didn't bother with him much - that's just a gut instinct - but the attention he got from the legionaries (who treated him as a mascot) made a poor substitute. Given the element of mickey-taking he must have endured - Son of Germanicus or not - meant that when he was an adult, and very much in charge, it was his turn to take the mick. He seems to have treated the empire as something of an excuse to have fun.

Back by popular demand, a selection of my musical past. Enjoy! Company Director CompanyDirector.mp3 A live recording of Red Jasper from the Bristol Bierkeller in 1988. This was a monitor mix (the same sound we heard on stage), so the audience was a lot bigger than it sounds, really! The song originally appeared on our first release, England Green & Pleasant Land. Vocals - Dave Dodds Guitar - Tony Heath Bass - Robin Harrison Drums - Caldrail Just Another Night JustAnotherNight.mp3 A garage demo from 1985. The band was Bardiche. Anna had retired from microphone duty, and we recorded this, literally, in a garage, with our new singer shortly afterwards. This line up played one gig only. Vocals - Pete Farrar Lead Guitar - Glynn Stevens Rythmn Guitar - Mike French Bass Guitar - Phil Peters Drums - Caldrail Old Jack OldJack.mp3 From the 1989 album Sting in the Tale. I'd left Red Jasper by this time so this was my parting contribution. I'd written the lyrics for it. Vocals - Dave Dodds Bass/keyboards - Tony Heath Lead Guitar - Robin Harrison Drums - Some interloper who doesn't deserve fame. Pull That Thumb PullThatThumb.mp3 The title track of the 1988 EP of the same name. Recorded in Swindon above a motorbike dealership. Vocals - Dave Dodds Bass/Keyboards - Tony Heath Lead Guitar - Robin Harrison Drums - Caldrail Saxophone - Wots 'is name. Second Coming SecondComing.mp3 My very own masterpiece. This is a demo recorded in the attic of a fifteenth century thatched cottage. A much altered version was recorded by Red Jasper after I'd gone. This track earned Red jasper a recording contract and they still owe me