Where Have I Been?
Entry posted by Lost_Warrior
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It HAS been a while. My presence on all of my 'usual hangouts' has been greatly reduced. I'm sure you guys know that I've been struggling with some sort of depression...so here's the REST of the story.
I'd been slowly 'losing my grip' for months now. Most noticeably since Christmas, when I started having panic attacks. Well, about a month ago I guess it was now, a very dear friend of mine became ill (he has a chronic illness) and was in the hospital for a time. Then I stopped hearing from him. Turns out, he was busy with work, but that is NOT what I was thinking. Mind, I was already 'losing it' and this was a LONG time in coming. But for three days about a month ago, I was in such a bad way that I nearly called off work to check myself into a psych ward. About a week after that, I nearly didn't make it OUT of the bathtub one Saturday night.
I finally got the nerve to talk to my mom about it, and it turns out that this is largely genetic. Everyone from my great grandmother straight down the line has some sort of anxiety disorder. My great grandmother and grandmother are both on medication.
Picking up the phone to call the counseling center was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So these past few weeks I've been trying to hold it together, trying to apply for Medicaid, and all that happy horse crap.
Now for the better news:
I met with my therapist for the first time on Wednesday, and I have a partial diagnosis: Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She asked me how I felt about medication, and I said that I'm not drastically opposed to it (I used to be...but that first week changed my mind) but I would rather try other things first. I am going to be doing cognitive behavioral therapy (I only have a vague idea of what that is.)
It's REALLY scary for me to talk to a therapist. I think I talked her head off just because I was so nervous...I am hoping that next appointment will go better, because, well, I'm scared. LOL
My next appointment isn't until March 13th, but I do have some homework and I'm getting along alright.
The best part is, I am not paying a dime for my treatment. The county is paying for it all.
I'm feeling wordy today, so I am jumping back into the forums a bit. 
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