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Rather Depressing

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Sextus Roscius

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Among the frequent trials of my life, being the odd ball, the unpopular, the hated, the pessimistic, the nerd, the freak, and the history geek. I was plagued as any one would be with periods of time were I hated myself and all those around me.

 

The turbulence of my early childhood, lookingback, seems to have been caused mostly by deaths of those in my family, who at the time were discarded in my mind becuase I didn't realize that their death affected me. As a young child I was racist, from which I have gone away from. I think the cause for that is not so much I hated people becuase of the color of their skin but what I hated about what I beleived (at the time) they represented and I made horribly mistaken biased opinions off those. I was also at a young age drawn to looking at the other side of things becuase of a friend of mine who was obsessed with learning about WWII and Nazi Germany in particular which gave me a different look at what they did than many others draw becuase I was exposed at the same time and in equal amounts the horrors they wreaked and the things they managed to achompish. I've had a interesting life far different from that of the average school kid, as can be seen considering I'm only in middle school and have earned a name for myself among scholars and teachers on this website and in other areas.

 

But never, in all my years of living, have I seriously considered killing myself. It goes against my doctrine of life by all accounts. Since middle school started I've met multiple people who seriosuly thought about or had already tried to commit suicide. To some of which I held affection, to some I did not. The many people thinking of suicide is almost frightning. I suppose I am naive in thinking there wouldn't be so many, but the number is still disturbing. So I am left with that thought in the back of my mind now, and driven by it.

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Suicide is a cowards way out of taking life on it's own terms. It is considerably less frightening and easier sometimes to end it all than to actually face ones problems and overcome them, but in the long term, I know what's more beneficial. That's not to say that I consider Romans who committed suicide to save their heirs cowards, that was a totally different kettle of fish.

 

I remember my grandfather, who served in the pacific during WW2 telling me one day how much he hated a new kind of bumper sticker that said "No Fear". I asked him why, he told me "If you feel no fear then you're just dumb and numb, but if you feel immense fear and take action regardless, then thats really to be admired"

 

The same can be said for life, which can be frightening, but ultimately rewarding for those that persevere.

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I've had trouble with suicide, and I can say that in addition to being an attempt to escape or avoid reality instead of directly dealing with it, I began to use it to manipulate others' sympathy.

 

I think the view of reality that most children grow up with completely disarms them when they have to confront the fact that their life is in their own hands. My problems were always founded in the religious beliefs that my parents taught me, regardless of their good intention.

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Yes, the thoughts like that are not pleasure and can frustrate your plans and your life on the whole. I never thought about it only because I haven't time for any destructive thoughts and have my exalted aims and want to achieve them. I believe the same thoughts can evolved from idleness only. Maybe I'm wrong but I guess the more you have earthly blessings the more often you have such thoughts (and the more you have wardships the more often you want to be self-dependent and it can cause for such mood)

I don't want to say that my life is so wonderful and I enjoy it constantly. I have many different problems. I think they are the higher-order problems then you have now. I think about good things only and it helps me. I know (I'm sure) my life will be great, my aims will be achieved and I will be very happy.

Try to think so.

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