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Gaius Octavius

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  2. Gaius Octavius

    Bombs Away!

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Komrades:
     
    Gaius' reason for existence weekend last was to deliver and retrieve Consort to and from her venue for peddling her horsey stuff. In the interim, the booze and fodder held out and a project was accomplished in peace. Now comes Monday when Gaius was to retrieve said Individual. When the time to commence the voyage arrived, C. did not get his dumper into gear at the appointed hour. No matter. When the mission was almost accomplished, and we approached the wig-wam, the streets were cordoned off. Gumshoes all over the place. No matter; we'll simply take another route. This was not in the plan. Loaded with horsey carp C., pled with the gestapo (making untruthful claims), to allow him to pass. Didn't work. Some flatfoot babe gave C. a ration of feculence. Could have pulled her pony tail out by the roots. Of a sudden, C. noted that there were all sorts of cops, firemen, bomb squad types, and first responders of all varieties ranging hither and dither like cockroaches at a picnic. Sirens singing, air horns squawking, and the inevitable lights flashing away. Commissioned Consort to discover the matter. Bombs! Not one, many! All over the place! As mentioned earlier, C. couldn't get chariot through, but busses and casual strollers could. Nice! Apparently bombs have no effect on this lot. C. broiled in body and spirit for two hours. Finally, it was over - and even got a parking spot near the palace.
    To make a short story even longer, it turns out that some OUCH! had gone around the neighborhood planting boxes with the word 'bomb' on them. In passing, C. advised a gendarme that when the Oh! No! was caught, its supposed parents should be neutered. Some other charitable suggestions were made concerning the Lordy, Lordy! .
    Did I mention that Sen. Schumer lives a few doors down from the estate?
    Since the media has kept its tounge on this little to-do, all y'all probably think that C. has concocted this story!
     
    Now we go to this AM. It is alleged on the radio that a group of Not really too bad. want to blow a hole in the Holland Tunnel and sink the Isle of Manhattan. Not really a bad idea. Could start over with a clean conscience. Nonetheless, a clear case of idiocy gone amok. Wouldn't Nu Joyzee sink into the bargain?
     
    Gaius only reports the facts,
    :notworthy:
  3. Gaius Octavius
    Greetings & Salutations:
     
    In re the new $5 bill - good for one gallon of petrol:
     
    Soon, it will be a Ten Spot! Follow me: It costs a little less than 10 bucks to get oil out of the ground. The 'Spot' market is ~ +$110/barrel. But, I lied saying that oil comes out of the ground - it is produced by the 'Spot' market. Get it so far? It is well known that such as Exxon have no $10 oil. (As a matter of fact, they have no oil at all!) No depletion allowances, (aka nanny government tax subsidy), for that which they did not produce, but found in the ground. Still with me? Ergo, one must conclude that the problem is in the 'Spot' market. Yes? Now, if the 'players' in the 'Spot' market had to take/make delivery of oil futures, the price would tumble to ?. Or just as good, raise the margin requirements to 100%!
     
    Still here? Good.
     
    Let us amble together unto the Sub Prime Fraud: In days of old, when community banks existed by the gaggles, a president would have a cup of joe in the local diner with the early wandering farmers and business men. Yea!, I say unto you, he might even take toast with a member of the Great Unwashed! When called upon to make loans or mortgages, the prez could read and understand financial statements! He never packaged his loans and palmed them off to others. Putting exceptionally little trust in sleazy schiesters or lying CPA's, he corroborated the info. He required a decent down payment for mortgages and collateral for most business loans.
     
    Now let us charge into the more recent past. Some while back, a couple of most intelligent and all knowing statistician/economists wrote up a paper in a Federal Reserve Bank (of somewhere) Review. They proved beyond any doubt whatsoever, with enough statistics and formulas to build a neutron bomb, that now that 'derivatives' had been discovered, the Circle of Risk had been closed! The No-Risk; No Profit Theory was now consigned to Hades! Humungus profits were now guaranteed. Since all the stops were pulled on regulation, and the regulators and bond raters were safely in the thrall and pockets of investment, merchant and commercial bankers, Collateralized Debt (of all sorts) Obligations could be conjured up by the most worthy investment bankers and their lackey liars (Sorry! Sorry!, I meant lawyers.). These little beauties were to be laid off on those seeking yield. Such honest men went about convincing real estate types of all greedy stripes (Yes!, even their own hungry frauds.), to convince anyone who asked for a mortgage, that he could afford one. Why that's why we have Adjustable Rate Mortgages. (In effect, borrow short; buy long.) Why LIBOR is your best friend. One day we will introduce you to HIBOR. And the masses were over joyed and completely shafted. Why some even announced that they would name their last born Libor. The prices for used toilet paper constructed shacks climbed upwards to Uranus. I am as rich as Croesus cried the polloi. Bring me credit cards!!!
     
    Now we all know that lawyers can only say 'yes' in nothing less than a thousand pages. Thus, the I.B's and L's concocted these CDO's. Neither they, nor the good folk they were to palm them off on, knew what these CDO's were/are. So the banks said unto themselves, we must take advantage of these instruments that we know nothing of. After all, why should we worry? It's really only depositor/creditor money we are playing with. But, it came to pass that something was amiss (or was/is it?). All sorts of 'banks' claim that they are losing bundles. We must go to Sovereign Funds and leeches to get us out of this Serbonian mess. Why should we worry about watering our stock said the gangs at the tops of the corporate ladders. It's not our money. We used back dated options for ours. We're 'in the money' by a long shot. Anyone know what any IBOR is? Never mind.
     
    Thence it came to ground that Bear, Siht was in a mound of poo. J.P. Morgan-Chase Malignancy in for the kill (I meant rescue.). Frankly, I am still not sure if JPM has aggregated Ursus Siht unto itself or not. Now enters the Bearded Liberarian, St. Bernanke, who, along with Mr. Greenspun knew all, but didn't call the gendarmes. Quoth St. B. to JPM: You may deposit any worthless or troubling CDO's at the RE-Discount Window. And any Primary Dealers may follow suit. Anyone know what a P.D. is? It ain't Laybach & Whachit, your friendly broker.
     
    At last the god-Consul enters - stage right! Hold up there St. Bernanke! Why the blazes didn't you allow Bear Siht to go to the Window in the first place? Might there be much more to this? Let us investigate. Compared to the trillions of CMO's outstanding, only a paltry amount have actually gone the way of all flesh. Aha!, said Gaius. Could it be that Lord Effingham is paying a visit? One may 'buy' a tax loss, e.g., the one that exists at B/S. Or one may be created by marking down ones un-marketable inventory. One may use 'models', 'guesses', or whatever comes to mind in the case of CDO's. Now, assume that some honest folk are telling mere fibs, OK? A write down that does not come to fruition, means that the Treasury is being pilfered out of current tax revenue. Who knows, there may be another King Georgie-poo in the future. Then again, the whole Congress can be bought off to make life easier - for guess who?
     
    Some very short while back, Gaius said to Claudia, in one of his tender moments: Why don't the CENSORED children simply return the sub-prime mortgages to their teaser rates? Like the squirrel, She shrugged. Guess what? That is exactly what the Brits are now doing for a two year period!
     
    Did I forget to mention that Bulls and Bears make markets; pigs make a mess!
     
    ____________________________________________
     
    Gaius would like to find something out. If he mis-spells a word here, a little red line appears under it. Right? No suggestions appear for repair of the blunder. Now, if Gaius knew how to spell the Shame on you G.O.! word in the first instance, he would not have erred! Your turn Moon - in easy language for my ancient wits.
     
    Done This Twenty-Fifth Day of April,
    In the Year of Grace,
    The Two Thousand and Eighth,
    At Dusthaven
    C. Octavius, Cos.
  4. Gaius Octavius

    Sale!

    By Gaius Octavius,

    A couple of y'all are aware of the fact that I took a hit in the Imperial Portfolio. I am trying to make up this short fall with a Black Sale of my monograph: "On the Rudiments of Elementary Bad Manners"; a necessity for those lacking in the matter. It is offered at the previously unheard of pre-certified pre-discounted discounted price of 69 bucks. (Plus taxes and S&H.) But wait! Order one and you'll get two! Give one to a needy friend. You'll also get a C-note rebate!
  5. Gaius Octavius

    Nothing Much

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Komrades:
     
    Geroge Washington never told a lie. :wub:
    george bushe never told the truth.
     
    In a way, doesn't Pres. chenny call to mind Aaron Burr? But Aaron was a better shot.
     
    Domina Claudia off to Maygne for a fortnight of fun and games with my out-laws. Delivered her off to her sister in Nu Joyzee. Had to go through the Holland tunnel twice. As you can see, I made it. Gassed up the chariot in that province and the attendant was highly agitated because it only took 5+ gallons @ 18 bucks.
    "Is that all?" "No, you Censored , put some in my pockets!"
     
    Bride marked and counted the various forms of booze, so I fixed Her. Got my own personal supply! That should keep me in a constant state of stupor and torpor. Things should get hopping on the Forum.
     
    How I would like to be a fly on the wall when charley mc arthy goes to it with his pal, Putin.
     
    My Word! Are the Germans getting a reprive? Angela and georgy. How becoming. :wub: And georgie sliced the roasted pig!
     
    And life forges on towards death,
    Gaius

  6. Gaius Octavius

    Test

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Komrades:
     
    I am technologically challenged, (amongst many other things).
    This is a test as to what happens.
    I love this site and the people on it. In addition to getting an education on my Glorious Imperial Ancestors of Blessed Memory, I am getting to learn something about using this devils machine.
    About myself:
    I lie and obfuscate when necessary.
    I never pay off on a bet that I have lost, but I expect others to cough up when I win.
    I have no problems with plagerizing.
    I can't spell. (Is there a spell checker here?)
    I am a retired Investment Banker. (The kind who used his own gold and not others.)
    I am considered lazy, evil and ignorant by some.
    To friends, relatives and enemies, I am on the wrong side politically, socially and eonomically.
    No one insults me with impunity - and gets away with it.
     
    And now:
    The U.S. is pulling out of Afganistan and the Taliban is pushing in. What a waste. Where is Osama? Why in Brooklyn eating pizza.
     
    My Bride took off for the wastes of Michigan to visit friends and get away from me, (for a fortnight) and I am left to fend for myself. A gorgeous young Princess from Michigan, for whom we are acting in loco parentis, is doing an internship in NYC. Some would call it indentured servitude. She spent the last weekend with me. I am sure that my neighbors and the building employees are musing: "His Bride takes off and IT installs a chick." A totally undeserved merit badge. The malignant swine! The kid won't pour a whiskey for me and is on my back about another bad habit of mine.
     
    A cap on a bottle of gook was left unscrewed. Made a mess of the fridge. Gook is forever off of the menu.
    My jug wine has run out but the rot gut whiskey is fine.
     
    Did you know that the province of Michigan has a giant mushroom growing under it? That Detroit sits atop a salt mine? Now you do.
     
    Now to see if all this takes. Somebody please post a 'comment'.
     
    Si vales; valeo,
    Gaius
  7. Gaius Octavius

    The Truth

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Now that that rebel, Pantagathus, has driven me to the vine and the stalk, I tell all. As you may or may not know, I have some good looking babe visiting me while the Domina is abroad. She is 21. Now, her sister, who is 16, is going to visit Ameica. She's a knock out also. They will be staying with me next weekend. The building will go beserk! The men will be jealous and the women won't be able to hold their water until the Domina comes home and they tell all. When they were nippers, I bounced them on my knees and was their best friend. Now, the elder won't pour me a libation. Won't buy me a little bell to summon the Domina when I want firewater. Gave the elder the run of the place. So, if I dare say: "Get me some grapes.", I get the retort: "Please!?". The younger one once stuck her index finger in my face, to put me in order! Should have strangled them a long time ago. Love 'em.
     
    Some of the comments on sundry threads on the Forum have reminded me of 'Cyrano', so if you will excuse me for a few hours, I am going to watch the movie. (If I can get the bloody machine to obey instructions.) And ' Love At First Bite", that is if I can make it to the living room without a collapse of my now rubber legs. Thank you, you Greek!
     
    Sigh,

  9. Gaius Octavius

    Oh, Jove!

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Fellow Boozers:
     
    Some Korean Mooney type, named Rock Lee, has invaded America. This new blister hath sattethe on the right side of God. He hathethe commanded angels. But can't seem to get that walking on water thingy right. Probably can't do the Cana bit either.
    Will trade him for a couple of millions of wetbacks - or one Brigantine - or yea, and I sayethe unto all y'all, Col. Rupert Rebel!
     
    Domina Claudia, in Her wisdom, has just named me Pontifex Messimus. I wonder why?
     
    Some Russian has worked out the Pointcare(?) mathematical problem as to wheather we are all dieing on a meatball or a dough nut shaped object in space. Thrilling!
     
    Had recourse to matico this AM after erring whilst shaving.
     
    Bride back to rationing booze again. Need a little ting-a-ling bell to summon Her when the SENATOR is in need of refreshments. After shampooing the headquarters, will command Her to give me a haircut. Can you believe it, Gasper has jacked up the price of haircuts from a quarter! Refuse to encourage such inflation.
     
    ,

  10. Gaius Octavius
    Gentles:
    As I suffer Early Onset Alzheimer's, I can't recall if I told you that we are joined by a fourth brother. Stiffed me on the subscription, so he is a natural for this collection. His biography runs thus:
    He parks his boots in some god forsaken place called miSHH-a-gin. This land mass sits on a giant toad stool. Its main city rests on a humongous salt mine. He may be a closet neo-con. Is a devotee of Air America and Al Franken in particular. He is not ethnically acceptible. A tea-totaler. He garners his lucre as a door-to-door pretzel monger, which, in reality is a cover for his night time job as arms supplier to the militias. Nothing with four legs or two wings is safe from his perditions. As the father of three unmarried beautiful young ladies, he is an advocate for the passage of the 35th Amendment which simply states: "Nanny government shall bear the truck for all wedding receptions." Has no facility with language.
    As the self appointed governor of our forum, it will be my burden to re-transmit to all, your 'Letters to the Editor', so long as they are scurrilous, scandalous and slanderous; obscure, oblique and opaque. Since I don't know how to excise any matter of a personal nature (yet), use your noggin.
    Recently one of you questioned my sanity. Another accused me of philological criminality. The last threatened to use medical terminology on me. To the first, I tender one half the victory sign and an obscene Brooklyn arm motion. For the second, hail me in front of your Peregrine Praetor. See if I give a fig. The Shade of Cicero will defend me. For the last (a philogynist, if ever there was one), whose threat was the slightest cut of all, I have spent more time with physicians, yourself included (albeit, inebriated), than you did at Quack School - sober. So there!
    Whilst all y'all were monitoring The Gospel According to lush rimflower, I was educated by Public Radio International. It seems that after your ancestors ravaged the Glorious Roman Empire and brought on the Black Plague, some monarch decided to bathe at least once a month. Did it for three months and promptly became a corpse. People wore the same clothes for years. One lout, after only two years, announced that he would bathe and change clothes. Crossed the River Styx. It was the law then, that, before emptying ones chamber pot on the tetes of the unwary peasants below, one had to shout: "Watch out below!"
    I was also informed that Barry Bonds, Giambi, et al., (as to any records they set as a result of their pill popping), are safe from persecution. Soon genetically modified athletes will enter on the stage and eclipse these records with ease.
    The philological crime of yester morrow, committed by a head line caster on the tube, was: "...downed power lines down...."
    The rot-gut has been replenished, so I am off for a libation.
     
    Per Aspera Ad Astra,
    Gaius
    SPQR
  11. Gaius Octavius

    Murphy's Laws.

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Murphy's (missed a few) LAWS
     
    Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee
     
    Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
     
    Law of Probability : The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
     
    Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
     
    Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
     
    Variation Law : If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
     
    Bath Theorem : When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
     
    Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
     
    Law of the Result : When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
     
    Law of Biomechanics : The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
     
    Theatre Rule : At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrives last.
     
    Law of Coffee : As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
     
    Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
     
    Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets : The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
     
    Law of Location : No matter where you go, there you are.
     
    Law of Logical Argument : Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
     
    Brown's Law : If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
     
    Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  12. Gaius Octavius

    Problems!

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Some members of the Forum seem to have some minor problems these days. Really, nothing of any consequence compared to mine. Cogitate:
     
    My Bride was supposed to go on a cruise in the Carib starting Thursday last, for a fortnight. She was supposed to meet a gaggle of her pals from 10uhC and mis(take)again in San Juan, P.R., on that day, to commence their carousing. Since La Donna Sophia, and Lady Farrow were otherwise occupied, I made arrangements for Lady Jane (Bury-Me-In- A-"Y"-Shaped-Coffin.) Harrington to make her appearance on Friday. It was decided to leave the Imperial Chariot in the mud gutter rather than in the car barn so that I could take the wandering Bride to the airport. Now, I have a plaque that allows me to park on the wrong side of the street. Tuesday was a cold day, so I figured that the Chariot was lonely. I went down to turn the engine over and keep the Chariot company for a while. A good looking 'meter maid' hove into view and commenced to make herself important by minutely examining the stickers on the windshield. Whilst she was thus occupied, I noticed a squirrel take a leap out of the tree behind her. The little bugger climbed up her leg and took a nip out of one of her cheeks of shame! You can't imagine the hellacious racket she made racing down to the corner. Woke napping gargoyles. Startled the ambling peasantry. The little tree rat sat there looking at me and hunched his shoulders as if to ask what happened.
     
    Shortly, I heard the wailing of a siren and saw flashing lights. The squad car stopped behind me. Two flatfeets exited with the screaming meter maid. "Cuff him! Shoot him! He trained that squirrel to bite my personal coolie!" Little guy scampered up the tree; commenced munching on something, and took all in. The now sniggering cops asked for my side of the story. Asked them if they ever heard of a trained squirrel? Told them that it was probably a migrant Mexican dumper biting vampire squirrel. Cops cracked up (no pun intended). Meter maid made for one of their six-shooters. Failed, thank God. Told little guy acorns were in the usual place.
     
    Ahh, but this wasn't an end to my woes. Wednesday, the weather frauds looked into their crystal balls and decided that there would be a foot's worth of snow over night. Chariot to the barn; reserve limo. Naturally, the airline canceled the flight a couple of hours before lift off. There wasn't enough snow on the ground to make a decent snowball! Push panic button; commence to worry about Lady Jane and Bride crossing paths. Bride holds on for over an hour trying to connect with a human at airline. Gaius gets on cell phone and punches a number at which one may buy a ticket. Eight minutes later, problem solved. Gaius has a couple of shots of rum. Bride will catch Friday AM rocket. Close calls, but all turned out well.
     
    Lady Jane presently out purchasing her favorite wine.
     
    That is a true bill of affairs as they stand to the moment.
     
    Lord Black Adder

  13. Gaius Octavius

    Taxes!

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Since I will probably be a member of the 'Damnatio" by Evening Song, let me get this off of my chest. I am perfectly willing to return all the meager taxes you Liberarians and other neo-con job artists have ever paid on your paltry income, with compound interest at the then prevailing Treasury bond rate. I will now teach you what 'Capitalism' is. If you ever breathe the air, ching-ching, at MY rate. If you ever go to a university, hospital, ball park - ching-ching. Have a sewer line, telephone, ching-ching, at MY calling. Dare to comesticate anything that has passed the King's highway, ching-ching. Even if you cultivate the seeds that have traversed the King's highway - ching-ching. Drive your Kia, on MY roads, ching-ching. Since you have gotten all your taxes back, when you fall ill, it will be up to your spawn to care for you. Your doctor won't be able to get into a hospital on your account, unless he pays MY rates. Get the idea? I'd rather pay an illegal Mexican's truck, than have to pay yours. He is willing to pay taxes to live in AMERICA!
     
    Please don't go to Hell, I don't want to meet up with you.
  14. Gaius Octavius

    Tidings

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Komrades:
     
    Seems that a certain party quoted from his bible over an open mike. Who knows, maybe God told him to do so in one of their recurrent chats. It is my present understanding that folks who talk to God usually become saints or are hauled off to the booby-hatch and not into the now Black House. And getting one of the heads of state attention by belching the Brookfordshiresexington formal "Yo!"
     
    It has also come about that the party of god and freedom and liberty wants to lift the press credentials of the NY Times reporters who let out some minor improprieties of the administration. How wrong I am! Always thought that it was the business of a free press to let the dis-educated masses in on these little tid bits.
    But then the certain party doesn't read newspapers - like his accolites.
     
    Someone's head (at the State Dep't) is going to get the chop. He complimented a L.A. Times reporter on, of all places, NPR!
     
    The same party vetoed the stem cell research bill. Could have helped him. All that is left is a brain transplant - with a fly - to get his mental faculties up a couple of notches.
     
    Alas, the republik in NYC is trying to sneak through a little bit limiting the the right of the lowly citizen to protest. We tax payers, on his account, now have to pay several hundred millions to the protesters at the republik convention whom he cuffed and threw into the slammer.
     
    As I am aware, all y'all are gravely concerned about the weather situation here in Brookfordshiresexington. It is foul, turgid, sticky and raining but otherwise quite CENSORED - Where does he get this stuff? . It sounds like WWII and as if Yamato and the Missouri were having at it.
     
    Just the facts; just the facts, maam,
    Gaius

  15. Gaius Octavius
    IMPERIAL ROMAN NEWS SERVICE
     
    Florida's famous fearsome 455th Fighting Friggin Fusiliers, has been activated for duty on the Israel-Lebanon border. Provision will be made for wheel chairs, crutches, canes and seeing eye dogs. The new commander will be Brigadier Busche of Bar Harbor and Boston's Bedlam. With his brass and bugle, he will buck up the braves and be billeted behind a barricade of bushes.
     
    Southhampton's slumbering 666th Swimming Zouaves have been posted to Portsmouth for port protection.
     
    Delaware's daring doting Division of Dragoons has been detailed for duty in Dubai.
     
    Peace,
    Basil

  16. Gaius Octavius
    I know that you all would like to see a picture of my home in Corbridge. Picture was taken by Pertinax ere he and his Lady had dinner with us. Antiochus of Seleucia kindly put the pic in. I haven't had a chance to bring the name up to date.
     
     

  17. Gaius Octavius
    When I was a mere nipper of 7 or 8 tender years in Brooklyn* during and after WWII, there were anti-aircraft cannon emplaced on the roofs of industrial and warehouse buildings. Legionaries were on guard at all the entrances to these buildings. The lot in which we roasted stolen mickeys had a machine gun nest with pup tents for a full sized company. The repair docks were loaded with destroyers and other minor war ships. Life boats with all sorts of rations festooned the docks. They made perfect club houses for we kids. The listing ocean liner Normandy, was parked alongside a gigantic grain elevator. Air craft carriers in the harbor and at piers engendered dreams of glorious air battles. Coast Guard bases were all over the place. We could see ships of all sorts forming up for convoys in the harbor. We hitched on box cars being shunted by steam-powered switch engines. Our imaginations were driven to their utmost limits.
     
    One summer day, after the war ended and school was out, a gaggle of us were sitting on the grass trying to decide what mischief we could get ourselves into that day. Some had relieved a grocer of the care for a couple of crates of cherries. Several delinquents had unburdened a soda delivery truck of a few crates of Mission soda. We sat there playing at seeing who could spit the cherry pits the farthest and who could belch loudest. Some imp put up that we should terrorize the girls. Another retorted that we had done that yesterday and that Marlene, the local tomboy, had trashed a couple of us. Jimmy declared that we should grab the machine gun and take care of the girls once and for all. Idiot!, those G.I's would as soon drill us as spit on us. Dopey Joey let out that we should rob the Coast Guard bank. He got punched for his efforts. Let's upend the push carts on Union Street, chimed in another. Those Italians are probably waiting for us with cargo hooks, was the immediate response. Let's rob the Coast Guard bank. Once again, Joey got whacked. Let's go banging on the doors of the Old Folks building. Do you want to get hit with a frying pan? They're ready for us. Baseball? The big guys have all the fields. Football? It's summer, stupid. Let's let the air out of the tires of a cop car. They'll shoot us. Let's rob the bank! Now, as we were reduced to splatting each other with cherries and spraying great jets of soda at one another (which always resulted in a very sound thrashing from our parents), this didn't sound like such a bad idea. So, we chewed the notion over and agreed that it was a very good idea.
     
    This would be a military and naval operation. Big Mac was acclaimed Supreme Commander. He would supply whatever explosives that might be needed. Big John got the navy. I got the infantry and appointed Little Stevey as Chief of Sappers. The naval operation was to be a feint, to draw off the guards. Big John's Task Force was to pirate a paint boat from the Gowanus Canal and sail it to the seaside of the base and worry the guards. My job was to get the infantry under the fences and to dig under the bank to get at it from under ground. Wouldn't we need nurses for the wounded? Yeah, good idea. Under a Flag of Truce we approached the girls with our idea. If we are not in on the job, we're out. But, this is manly work. Then go Censored yourselves! Such language from mere girls! Dopey Joey said this plan was too complicated and that we should hijack a truck; crash the gates and ram the bank open. Can you drive a truck? Nope! Once again, several murderous punches graced the genius. The time for commencement of Operation Bag the Bank was set for zero one hundred hours the next day.
     
    Off we went to our separate hogans and explained to our parents that we were off on a Cub Scout expedition, so supply us with vittles for the duration. We donned our leggings; hung our gun belts with canteens, first aid kits, knives and whatever else we had. Stuffed our knapsacks with blankets, the sustenance, candy and sundry. Trenching tools and B-B guns were slung. Helmets topped all off. Thus we would be in uniform and treated as Prisoners of War if we were caught. When we left at midnight, it was noted by all the commandos, that our parents looked to the Heavens, undoubtedly imploring the gods for our non-return.
     
    Admiral John nicked the boat and sailed off to the base. Landed and made a racket. The Guardsmen surrounded them and fired off their blunderbusses. Navy surrendered. By now sirens of all sorts were wailing and squawking. Gobs running to and fro in their skivvies. The navy was shackled and thrown into a heap. Whilst this commotion was afoot, Little Stevy got the infantry under the fences and dug under the 'bank'. Big blunder. Very, very big Censored -up! It was the officers club! Hearing the scraping and what not, the officers doused the lights and awaited results. As we came through the opening in the floor boards, these louts trounced, gagged and shackled us. The entire force was unceremoniously hauled off to the brig. It was not large enough to handle us humanely, so we were crammed into whatever cells there were. Someone was missing - the Commander in Chief. One prisoner noted that he was last seen sitting atop a fence with a Censored eating grin on his face. He would be properly thanked if we ever got out of this mess alive. Need I relate that when the girls heard of matters they were besides themselves with hilarity and snide remarks.
     
    Anyway, all was not over. Some bright light decided that we should empty our bladders into the wooden buckets provided and heave the presents into our jailers faces and then make a break for it, when they opened the cell doors to chastise us. This was the biggest blunder of all. Most of the base responded to the new emergency. All who could get a lick in, punched, kicked and cudgeled us. Crying and begging fell on deaf ears. No quarter was given. We motley many were physically kicked off the base at the end of the day.
     
    Once upon a time these gobs used to give us great globs of ice cream when we were their bat boys. Ungrateful hooligans that we were.
     
    When we repaired to our estates, our parents made inquiry with regard to our tattered conditions. Oh, some big guys had at us.
     
    Operation Bag the Bank was a big bust and thus my first time in a slammer.
     
    * Ancient name. Now Brookfordshiresexingham.
     

  18. Gaius Octavius

    Bah!

    By Gaius Octavius,

    My Dear Romans:
     
    My wine and beer are only a pleasant memory. Now my lasagne and coffee have joined the afore mentioned! The whiskey won't last out the day! The Empire is ancient history! The Yankees lost - again! Pertinax and Pentagathus are driving me . I had to have a corned beef sandwich for breakfast! The corned beef will have to last until lunch Monday! I have to go to two (2!) weddings! One is a serial polygynist. The other is a novice at it. Told them to do the jobs on some mountain top in Italy where the goats roam. No luck! Tried to get the parents to forego the caterers and give the good golden guilders to the soon to be blissful newly weds rather than to the divestment bankers (caterers). Again, my bad luck held up. Dropped a pill this AM and it disappeared into a black hole! Lipitor is gone, ergo cheese is off the menu. Can't remember the difference between the words 'anyone' and 'anybody'. Been trying to for years. There is a difference, don't you know? Obviously the folic acid is of no help.
    What's left? Lithium, Avodart and *iagr*!
     
    Going to take my mid morning nap and cogitate on harry-carry. Probably will befoul any effort to that end.
     
    Iupiter, why?
    Gaius
  19. Gaius Octavius

    Poor Brits!

    By Gaius Octavius,

    You are aware, of course, of the ill begotten rich Brit investmant bankers shuffled off to texass to answer to the magistrates for their peccadillos in re the Enron affair. Well, well founded rumors have it that the red necks are practicing with their ropes preparatory to a neck stretching party. Beer, skittles and bar-b-que will be served at the party. All s are invited.
     
    This little bit popped up. It seems that the Department of Defense has been selling hi-tech military stuff to any and all comers. We're worried about Osama and sundry scoundrels?
     
    Sheeesh,

  20. Gaius Octavius
    In these days, it has come to pass that the infamous GO was caught out to be an exceptionally bad child of the devil. He accepts this charge with his usual Grace, Humility, and Aplomb. It has come to his attention that, amongst untold other missteps, he has trod upon the sensibilities of many. For this, he is contrite, and asks for absolution and remission for all his sins. In future, should he trespass on The Rudiments of Elementary Bad Manners, or commit any assault against the integrity of the Forum, please be so kind as to advise him publicly or privately - no matter to him**. He will respond with either an apology or an explanation. He promises all that he will attempt to be a good little vagabond in the future. This entire infamous calamity shall be recorded in the Annals of UNRV as the "The GO Affair".
    _____________
     
    ** Poo! The brain cell must be in Hibernation! No, I won't have my agents burn your house down; put smilies after your name, or hold your loved ones for ransom.
     
     
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------000--------------------------------------------------------
     
    As you know, Pantagathus was sent up the river to a georgia chain gang for a recent arson. It was my understanding that his sentence was commutated by prez chinny. Yet, he is absent from the Forum. His silence is deafening! Could it possibly be that His Greekness is responsible for the late flooding of his province? Has he been cuffed once again?
     
    -----------------------------
     
    Recently, my everyday 'day/date' watch committed suicide, undoubtedly, as a result of a stay at the watch knackers. It was determined that I would have to part with about $150 hard stolen smackeroos to replace the morbid ticker. This all burned my sin stained soul for weeks. It was on a visit to my two best friends, (two Jack Russells) situate in the boondocks of upstate New York, that I deigned to enter upon the premises of a Walgreen. And there me beheld watches! Day/date watches cut from their usual expensive $18 bucks to $15 semoleans! You must understand that parting with money is not something that is within my province. I pondered upon the problem at great length, and determined that stealing it was the only acceptable option. Case closed - or is it still open? Works better than the old loser. As usual, one problem. When the battery goes to glory, it will cost more to replace it than the watch would have!
     
    Addendum:
    How could I have forgotten! When the 'date' is reset at the end of 30 day months, the 'day' comes up in Espanish. Good thing that I didn't steal it in Chinatown!
     
    ------------------------------
     
    I would like to alert you to the fact that it has come to Light that a member of the Forum is a biblioklepto. Lend the member nothing - not even your ears.
    ------------------------------
     
    "This critter should never be taken too seriously."
    Unscrupulato

  21. Gaius Octavius

    Sigh!

    By Gaius Octavius,

    Komrades:
     
    La Belle France beat Espana. The radio trash talkers will be besides themselves. What will the wrong rev. robberson chalk it up to? Metrosexuality?
     
    Now I get it! After all these years! The N.Y. Times has been in the forefront of treason and sedition. Thank you pres. chinney! Didn't know that all y'all could read. The Times no less.You had better get under the beds of the miscreants who leaked the stuff. How is the Valerie Pflame affair going? Not to be too nosy, but how's your Halliburton stock doing? We all know that you were much too busy to get involved in the Vietnam business. Have any of your close relatives made up for it in this fiasco?
     
    Hey prez, not to be too soliticous, but how's the guy who maliciously got in the way of your blunderbuss? :sniper:
     
    Poor flush rimflour! Got caught with unprescribed Viagara. That goes a long way toward explaining his now enforced polygyny. Must pay close attention to his alibi. Don't worry, old boy, your fellow trash talkers are cicrcumlocuting the wagons.
     
    Now we have two snow-jobs in the once White House.
     
    Now it is a billion bucks plus to put up a memorial to the WTC victims, which will make a bunch of racketeers much richer. How about setting up a fund to educate poor kids. Whoops! Forgot! It's the kids own fault for being born poor. Should pick themselves up by their boot straps. Just like chinney and busch did.
     
    Did you know that the herbert-walkers made a pile selling faulty boots to the Union Army. When confronted with this, it was unfolded that they thought that they were for the cavalry. Thank you Wall Street Journal.
     
    Just got cracked on the noggin by Domina Claudia. When the question was put to she who must be obeyed, the retort was that it was for future transactions :fish:
     
    Sigh,

  22. Gaius Octavius
    Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously:
     
     
    1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
     
    2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
     
    3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
     
    4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
     
    5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
     
    6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
     
    7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
     
    9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
     
    10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
     
    11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
     
    12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
     
    13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
     
    14. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
     
    15. Okay . . . so what's the speed of dark?
     
    16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
     
    17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
     
    18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
     
    19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
     
    20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
     
    21. What happens if you get scared half to death.........twice?
     
    22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
     
    23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
     
    24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
     
    25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
     
    26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  23. Gaius Octavius

    Y'allbonics.

    By Gaius Octavius,

    The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.
     
    The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
     
     
    HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
     
    HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
     
    BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow. "Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
     
    JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
     
    BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
     
    MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
     
    THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
     
    BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
     
    IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
     
    RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
     
    ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
     
    FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
     
    TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
     
    TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
     
    RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
     
    FAT - (noun), (verb) -- a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
     
    RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
     
    CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."
     
    FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
     
    DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
     
    ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
     
    BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
     
    JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
     
    HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
     
    SEED - (verb) -- past tense of "to see".
     
    VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
     
    GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
  24. Gaius Octavius
    Some month or so ago, the computer commenced to really ail. It would take the quarter hour to pass from hither to thither. Gaius sat at the computer for so many hours that his legs commenced to fill with water. Quack forbid computer and ordered the Presence to go horizontal. Also ordered 'water' pills. Just what I need! During a hiatus from the horizontal, I chanced upon a private message from a Roman friend, one Pertinax. I thought it only mete and just that I refurbish my beaker with a refreshment in his honour prior to replying. The first few steps were peaceful. It was when I hit the rug that things went awry. Made a perfect seven point landing. Widow's peak, hands, elbows and knees. Wrists required splints. Have a nice little dot on headquarters. How I missed wrecking the coffee table with my head, is a matter beyond my competence. It was a miracle that the beak didn't get smashed. Have a map of Australia on my rib cage and one of Cyprus on my arm.
     
    One of our Sacred Circle made out that he could cure the computer. Out with Millennium, in with XP. No help. Another of our Circle suggested a new computer. Done! An HP something or other with a giant flat screen. Feels as if I am sitting in the first row of a movie theatre. Computer can do most anything. Flush the toilet. Open the door. Make coffee. Couldn't convince it to do computering though. Bride rang up HP for assistance. Gets Punjob Pati. They babble on for about an hour to no successful conclusion. The speakers on this machine, when fully charged, operate at a mite less than a whisper. Of a sudden, the god-Consul sees Consort put the phone to the side of the screen. Gaius go ga-ga! Manhandles air-phone and curses out Punjob Pati. She thanks me for my observations. Then it is off to Costco. These guys actually knew what they were about. Told us the speakers actually Censored and to use the old ones. They were very nice and patient. The remaining problem was the DSL modem. It seems that the one we had would not marry up with the new computer. Probably Catholic. Off to Verizon. Nice guy tells Claudia that old modem is not compatible with new computer. Go to this number and they will ship the proper one to you FREE OF ANY Gaius! CHARGE, and since your Lord and Master is a basket case, get it to you over night. Not so maintains the number. Yew don't have a Verizon modem. Yeah, what's this I am holding in my hand? Why have I been paying yew for service lo these seven years? Behold a miracle! Modem appears at Dusthaven the very next morning! Packing slip has zero charges on it! Claudia and Gaius celebrate with breakfast. But then telephone bill comes, and surprise. Gaius now doing battle with Be Nice, Cecil at Verizon. The thing about these Oh God! children is that they can ruin your credit at their pleasure. Can't do likewise to those children of perfidy. Just wait until Verizon tries to put FIOS in our building. Claudia is the duly elected prez and Gaius is her guiding hand. Will the Presence win the WAR with Ivan Sidenberg?
     
    Anyway, as you can plainly see, Cecil is now playing with his computer. It is Cecil's fondest desire, now that all has been revealed, that My Lord of the Weeds will not take umbrage permanent for Capt. Blackaddre's tardy response.
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